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Husband and Wife Jokes |
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#1 Husband and Wife Jokes Hello Guys here I will be posting Husband and Wife Jokes. You can also contribute to this thread by sharing more and more funny jokes !! ----------------- thread sticked by-Crash_TV_ ----------------- 5 ❤: Mr.Love,Rockstar,savorzle,Conrad1234,vickydoye, |
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#2 Laughing at your own mistakes can lengthen your life. -Shakespeare Laughing at your wife’s mistakes can shorten your life. – Shakespeare’s wife |
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#3 Aik Aadmi Ka Hont Jala Howa Tha Kesi ny Phocha Keyu Bhae Ya Hont Kese Jal Gaya. Aadmi ny Kaha Bus Keya Batao Tere Bhabhi Maiky Jarahi Thi, Us Ko Chorny Station Gaya Tha, Bus Jese Hi Train ny Horn Bajaya Main Ny Khushi Mein Train Ka Engine Choom Lea ----------------- 1 ❤: vickydoye, |
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#4 Aik Aadmi Ny Apni Biwi K Pas Snake Betha Dekha or Bola: Das Ly! Das Ly! Snake: Kiya Das Lon! Main To Khud En Sy Zehar Easy Load Krwany Aya Hn. |
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#5 Suhaag raat ki pehli subah Dulha ne Dulhan say pucha raat ko kaisa feel kiya Dulhan ne muskaratay huway jawab diya app ne to college ke dinoon ki yaad taza kerdi. ----------------- 1 ❤: Aadil, |
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#6 Dear future Husband, I promise to be fiercely loyal to you until the day I die. Love, your future Wife. |
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#7 Biwi: Mere Shrafat Dekho, Main ny Tumhein Begair Dekhy Shaadi Kr li. Shohar: Or Meri Shrafat Dekho, Main ny Dekh Kr Bhi Inkar Nahi Keya. |
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#8 a Khud Mere Shoar Ko Tarakki De Daulat De Bangla De Mujhe Khuchh Nahi Chahiye.. Tu Sab Mere Shohar Ko De . . . . Baki… Unse Lena mera Kaam Hai,, |
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#9 Husband & Wife 1 plate mein pani puri kha rahe thy, 1 Dosare ki aankho me aankhe dal k.. Wife(pyar sy): Aaise keya dekh rahe ho Husband: Thora aaram sy kha mere baari hi nahi aa rahe!! |
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#10 Some women are sooo concerned about their husband’s happiness. that they hire detectives to find out who is responsible for it. |
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#11 Achi wife or churail aik jesi hoti hain keyu k en ki batein to sub krtein hain, Lekin aj tak dekhi kesi ny nahi. |
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#12 Police: Tum ny aik he shop me 3 din musalsal chori ki. Chor: Main ny sirf 1 din apni biwi k leay suit chori keya tha, Agly 2 din to main color change kerny gaya tha. |
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#13 Meya Biwi mein jhagra hogya to Biwi ny apni Maa ko phone keya Mera Un sy jhagra hogaya hai, Main 3,4 month k leay ap ki terf arahe hon. Maa Boli: Jhagra us kambakhat ny keya saza bhi usy hi milni chaheay “To Ruk beti main ati hon 5,6 month k leay.” |
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#14 Husband: Mere ami arahe hai kuch bana lo. Wife ny Moo bana lea. Kuch din bad biwi ki ami bhi agae. Wife: Please ami k leay bahir sy kuch ly ao. Husband: Bahir ja riksha ly aya. ? |
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#15 Money has different names!! In school it’s called (fees) In marriage it’s called (dowry) In divorce (alimony) Civil servant retires (pension) Master to subordinates (wages) To kidnappers (ransom) illegally received in the name of service (bribe) The question is “When husband gives it to his wife what do we call it?” Answer: _________ send it to you friends get funny Answer from friends |
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#16 Wife: Angrily, I wish I was your Newspaper, So I would be in your Hands in Morning and all day. Husband: I also wish that you were my Newspaper, So everyday I could have new one. |
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#17 BV: Tum tou kehte thay k Shaadi k baad b mujhe bohat pyar karo ge Sohar: Tou Mujhe kya pata tha k tumhari shaadi mujh se hi h jaye gi..!! |
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#18 Husband: Jab mai Tumse larta hu tab tum apna gussa kispe nikalti ho ?? . Wife: toilet saaf karke . Husband: Hahahaha bewkoof aurat vo kaise? . . Wife: Toilet aapke toothbrush se saaf karti hu… |
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#19 Kesi ny aik Shadi shuda Shakhs sy Phocha: Ap Shadi sy pehle Keya krty thy? Us ki ankhon mein ansu aagy or bola: Jo mera dil krta tha. ? |
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#20 Never underestimate the power of 3 things: 1. Wife angry for a reason. 2. Wife angry without reason. 3. Wife about to get angry and looking for a reason! |
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#21 A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. |
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#22 Wife: I saw in my dream that you were buying a diamond ring for me. Husband: I saw your dad paying the bill. |
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#23 My wife doesn’t mind me flirting with other women. She finds their rejection quite entertaining! |
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#24 When a woman says “What?”, it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said. |
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#25 Wife : I will die. Husband : I will also die. Wife : why do u want to die? Husband : because main itni khushi bardasht nahi kar sakta. |
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#26 Million Dollar Question: . If U don’t like ur Husband, why don’t u just leave him & go ?? . Answer from wife: I don’t like doing anything that will make him Happy.. |
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#27 Wife 2 Husband: Did u Have any GirlFriend before marriage ? Husband remains silent ? Wife: what is D meaning of silence? Husband: Wait.. let me count,, |
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#28 If only in A Dream, Let Us Join ToGETHer, To Hold Each Other TiGhtly And Bask In Our Love… I Love YOu |
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#29 Wife drinking WHISKEY, asked”Tum kaun ho?” . . . Husband-“Pagal ho gayi ho kya? Apne husband ko bhool gayi? . . . . “Wife:”Nasha har gum bhula deta hai “Bhaisaab”..!! |
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#30 Husband : Agar Mai marr gaya tohtum dusri shaadi karogi?? Wife : Nahin, Mai apni behen ke saath poori zindagi reh lungi Wife : Agar Mai marr gayi toh tum dusri shaadi karoge?? Husband : Mai bhi tumari behen ke saath poori zindagi rehlunga ? |
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#31 Aik admi Ki Biwi Mer Gae. Risty-daron or Doston Ny Usy Chup Kerany k Bad Phocha: Tumhein Kuch Chaheay ? Admi Bola: Ha Mera Laptop La Dein. Sub ny Phocha Us ka Keya Krna Hai. To Admi Bola Facebook per Apny Status ko Single Krna Hai. |
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#32 Biwi(Wife) Shohar(Husband) Sy: Sath Waly Gher Mein Meya Biwi Ki Lerae Ho Rahe Hai, Ap Aik Bar Jein. Shohar(Husband): Main Aik Do Bar Gaya Tha Esi Waja Sy Lerae Ho Rahe Hai. |
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#33 Wife:ajji Sunta ho! Ghr ma Namak Khatam ho Gaya ha, Daal ma Kya dalu? . . Husbandimag to hai hi nahi, Naya Colgate Active salt daal day, usmay Namak ha |
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#34 WIFE: Tum Ne Kabhi Socha Hai K Meri Shaadi Kisi Aur Se Ho Jaati To Kya Hota?” HUSBAND: Nahi, Main ne kabhi Kisi Ka Bura Nahi Socha. |
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#35 Husband: Meri shirt ulti kr k press krna.. Wife: thek hy 10 mint baad Husband: shirt press kyn nhi ki abi tk??? Wife: ulti hi nahi aa rhi…. Kill Kill |
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#36 Biwi: Khana kha lia tum ny? Shohar: Khana kha lia tum ny? Biwi: Btao na Shohar: Btao na Biwi: Meri naqal? Shohr: Meri naqal? Bv: I Love u Shohr: Han kha lia |
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#37 A husband once complained Dear Google, Please stop behaving like my wife… Will you please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start…? |
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#38 “What a pleasant surprise.. You came home early” Wife speaks so gladly. I was forced to do it. I have to obey what my boss told me to do. He ordered: “GO TO HELL” |
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#39 When your wife – worries about you, – fights with you, – looks for your attention for no reason, – becomes jealous with you, – shares her joy & sorrows with you, and – pesters you with eat this and that, do this and that, it means SHE CARES. • When she stops caring, that’s when you should be worried. |
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#40 Wife: U had lunch? Husbnd : U had lunch? Wife : Im asking u. Husbnd : Im asking u. Wife: U copying me? Husbnd: U copying me? Wife: Lets go shopping.. Husbnd: I had lunch. |
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#41 A husband said this to his wife : If Jannah was a flower♥ I would pick it for you♥ If Jannah was a bird♥ I would catch it for you♥ If Jannah was a house♥ I’d build it for you, but♥ Since Jannah is a place♥ no eye has ever seen♥ I make dua for Allah♥ to reserve it for you♥ |
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#42 Husband Ke Birthday Par Wife Ne Puchha – Kya Gift Du? . . . . Husband :- Tum Mujhe Pyar Karo, Izzat Karo Aur Hamesha Mera Kehna Maano. . . . Bas Yahi Kaafi Hai. . . . . . . Wife:- ( Kuchh Der Sochne Ke Baad ) Nahi Nahi Main To GIFT Hi Dungi. |
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#43 Husband (jalane k liye): “Kal mere khawab me ek ladki aai thi . . . . . Wah kya ladki the . . . Wife: “Akeli aayi hogi.?? :/ . . . Husband: “Tum ko kaise pata ?? :O . . . . . . Wife: “Uska husband mere khwab me aaya tha ? :p |
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#44 Husband: Agar main mar gaya to tum kya karogi? Wife: Ummm… Main phir apne bahen k sath rahugi… Aur Agar main mar gayi to tum kya karoge? Husband: Main bhi tumhare bahen k sath reh lunga! |
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#45 B.v Phone pe:Kahan ho? Husband :Ofce M Bzi Hu Tum Kia Kar rahi ho? . Wife:KFC me Ap k pecha Bethi hu or Bachay Poch Rhy ha Papa K Sath Konsi Phuphou Bethi Hy? |
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#46 Wife Sitaray Dekhte Hue Boli: Batao Wo Konsi Cheez Hai Jo Tum Roz Dekhtay Ho Lekin Torr Nahi Saktay? Husband: Tumhara mooh -.- … |
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#47 Husband: Me Tmhain Talaaq De kr Dosri Shadi Kru Ga… Wife:MGr Q.? Husband: Imran khan Ne kaha hai Khush Haali K liye”Tabdeeli”Zauri ha.. |
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#48 Husband Wife ki larai ho rahi thi, Unka chota bacha b waha Betha Ta . Husband:tu Kutti . Wife:tu Kutta , , Bacha masumiat se bola or me “TOMI” |
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#49 Dost: Biwi sy leraai khatam hoe? 2nd Dost: Ha Ghutny taik k Myre Pass ae the 1st Dost: Yay hoe na mardo wali bat, Us ny Ghutny taik k keya kaha? 2nd Dost: Yay he k . . . . . BED k Nechy sy nikal ao kuch nae kaho ge |
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#50 -On Wedding Night- Husband to Wife: Sb sy pyar sy rhna, Sb ki Respect krna, Mery parents ki care krna, Hamesha Sach bolna, Dusron ki madad krna, Baron ka Ehtram OR Choton sy pyar Krna! . Wife bad sy Uthi OR Room Ka Darwaza khol kr Boli: . . . . . . . . . Sb Andar A jayn, yahan Dars ho rha hy… |
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#51 Ek Kaala husband Apni biwi se bola “Mera bacha pyara hona chahiye.” Biwi:”Dekho ji choice is yours….. Payara chaiye,ya hamara chahiye..? |
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#52 A Man Gifted His wife a Diamond Necklace For their Anniversary and his Wife Didn’t speak to him f0r 6 Months.. Why…..?? . . . . . . . . Yahi to Deal thi.:-p |
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#53 Husband wife ko English sikha raha tha. Wife dopehar me husband se: dinner lo Ji. Husband Jahil ye dinner nahi lunch hai. Wife: Jahil tu, Tera baap, Tera Sara khandan, ye raat ka bacha hua khana hai. ? ? =D |
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#54 Wife: Btao Tmhe Main Kitni Achchi Lagti Hoon Husband : Bahut Zyada Wife : Phir Bhi Kitni Husbnd : Itni Ki Dil Chahta Hai Tumhari Jaisi 1 Aur Le Aaun. |
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#55 After 15 years of marriage a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her slowly and then said: “A-B-C-D-E-F- G-H-I-J-K”. “What does that mean?” she asked. “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous, and Hot” he replied. She smiled happily and then asked, “What about I- J-K?” He replied, “I’m Just Kidding!” .. Men will be men |
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#56 Power Of Wife.:-P:-P Shohar Biwi se: Ye kya tum 1 or suit ly aai? Abi parso hi to.. Bv chilla kar boli: Kya parso? Bolo… Bolo kya kaha tum ne? Ruk kyn gaye ? Kya parso, parso kya, bolo jaldi! Jaldi bolo na, Batao kya parso…? Shohar: Kuch nahi, main bus ye keh rha tha k parso b ek hi suit lai thi pagli, aaj to 2 ly aati. |
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#57 BV: Kya Kr Rhy Ho? SHOHR: Makiyan Maar Rha Hun. BV: Kitni Maar Lin? SHOHR: 3 Female, Or2 Male. BV: Male FemaleKa KesyPata Chala? SHOHR: 3 Sheshy K SamnyBeti Ti, Or2 NaswarPar. |
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#58 Patni-Me tumhare sapno me ati hoon Pati-Nahi Patni-Kyon nahi ? Pati-Kyonki me hanuman chalisa padkar sota hoon |
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#59 Wife: Tum mujhe kitna pyar karte ho? Pati: Shahjahan jitna. Wife: Mere merne k bad Taj Mahal banaoge? Pati: Maine to plot bhi le liya hai, tum hi der ker rahi ho |
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#60 It is said that Husband is the head of D family, But Remember that wife is D Neck of D family. & the Neck can turn the Head exactly D way she wants. |
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#61 Wife:Main Mernay ja rahi hon, Husband:Ye lo Dairy Milk. Wife:Q? Husband:Khudship K moqay per khuch meetha ho jse:-) |
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#62 1 Aadmi Bus Driver se: Kitne Ghante Bus Me Rehte Ho? BUS Driver: 24 Ghante. Aadmi Herat Se: Wo Kese? BUS Driver: 12 Ghante Is BUS Me. 12 Ghante B.V K “BUS”Me. |
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#63 Wife- If I Dismiss The Cook ‘n Make Food Myself For A Month, What Will You Pay Me..? Husband- I Won’t Have To Pay You, You’ll Get My Entire Insurance Amount.. ! |
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#64 Boy : You Look Exactly Like My Wife…. Girl : Ohhh… What’s Your Wife’s Name? Boy : I’m Not Married Yet… ? Moral : Learn New Methods To Propose.. ! |
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#65 Define Checkmate: When you tell Your Wife that You saw a Lady on the Street who looked exactly Like Her ‘n She Asks “WAS SHE HOT? You can’t say NO or Yes….. |
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#66 Love is Docomo, do the New. Mariage is idea can change Ur life Wife is Hutch, where ever you go she folows But Frienship is Airtel 1atut bandhan |
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#67 All Husbands are like Bluetooth…. Always connected when wife is around… But The moment wife is Away, They Automatically start searching for the new Devices.. !! |
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#68 Early to bed and early to rise, Proves man has no interest in his Wife. |
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#69 One million copies of a new book sold In just 2 days due to typing error of 1 alphabet in title. “An idea,that can change your WIFE” While real word was(LIFE). |
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#70 Husbad B.V se: pani pilo do. . . . B.V Kya pyaas lagi hai? . . . Husbnd(Ghusse se): “Nai”Gala waikhna ae kidron”LEEK”te nai. |
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#71 Brain is very important part of body, It is active 24 hours . . 365 days, . . it starts working, when you born and work till you . . . . Get Married… |
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#72 Ek Admi Ne Apni Wife Ko Letter Likha Ke. Begum is Month Salary Nahi MiLi Salary ke Badle 100 Kiss Bhej Raha Ho. I LOVE U Wife Ne Reply kiya: Aapka Letter Mila Salary ke Badle 100 KISS milay 16 Kiss Sabzi waLay ko diye 29 KISS school k principal ko Diye.Doodh wala 7 kiss Pe Razi Nahi Hua. Usko 12 kiss Dene Paray Malik Makan To KISS Pe Razi Hi Nahi Hua THa USko kiss K Sath Jhappi Bhi Deni Pari Mahina Aram Se Guzar Gaya. Dont Worry I LOVE U 2.. |
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#73 Intelligent Wife Bv: Aapki Blue Shirt Mujh Se Jal Gayi Husband : Mere Paas Waisi Ek Aur Shirt H Patni: Pata Hai, Maine Usme Se Kapda Kaat Ke Pehle WaleMeLaga Diya Hai…. |
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#74 Best shopping: Husband ne paan khareed kr wife ko khanay k liye dia Wife: Ap ne apne liye Q nhi liya? Husband: main to waisay b khamosh reh sakta hoon |
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#75 ‘HUSBAND: AGR MERI LOTTERY NIKAL AAYE TO TM KYA KAROGI? WIFE: MAIN AADHE PAISE LE KR TUMY CHHOR DUNGI.. HUSBAND: MERI 100 RS KI LOTTERY NIKLI HY YE LO 50 OR DAFAA HO JAO…’ |
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#76 Admin:Meri Bv Bohat Achi Hai,Mujhe sardi mai pani Garam Kr K Deti Hai. Dost:Nahane K Liye? Admin:Nahi yar,Bartan Dhonay K Liye…. |
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#77 ‘Wife Kal apne phir apni Secretary k sath movie dekhi? Husband kya karein,darling Aj kal ki movies family k sath dekhny k qaabil kahan hain’ |
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#78 Ek admi ka hont jala hua tha. Kisi ne pocha kese jala? Admi bola: wife maikay ja rahi thi.usko chorrne station gaya tha khushi main train ka Engine choom liye |
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#79 Biwi ne shohar ko phone kiya: kahan hain aap? Shohar: tumhain who jewellery shop yaad hai jahan tumhain ek diamond ka set pasand aya tha? Biwi (khush hote huye): haan haan mujhe yaad hai !! Shohar: mein us ke saath wali shop mein baal katwa raha hun. |
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#80 Husband to wife: Hypnotise karna kya hota hai ? Wife: kisi ko apne qaabu me kar k apni marzi k kam karwana . . . . . Husband: chal jhooti usay to shadi kehte hain |
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#81 One spelling mistake can destroy your life! A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add ‘e’ at the end of a word… … “I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her |
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#82 Wife-Main Marne ja rahi hu. Husband-Ye lo “Dairy Milk” Wife-Q? Husband-Khushi k moqay pe kuch meetha hojaye.:-) |
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#83 Wife: Main ne suna hai ke jannat main mardon ko hooren milen gi, tou aurton ko kya milay ga? Husband: Kuch naheen, yeh offer sirf mazloomon ke liye hai, |
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#84 Mard ki zindgi mein ” 3 Dolls ” ati hyn 1 uski Beti “Baby Doll” 2nd uski Girlfriend “Barbi Doll” 3rd us ki Bivi “Panadol” wo bhi extra |
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#85 3 women. . Topic: Husband se kam krwana. American: mene Husband se kaha k aynda khana tum pakao gay. 2nd day us ne kuch nhi kya 3rd day usne rost bana liya German: mene husband se kaha k aynda gehr ki safai tum kroge. 2nd day wo chup raha. 3rd day pura ghar saaf tha. Pakistani: mene un se kaha k apne kapre ap khud wash krein gay, Aagle din mujhe kuch nazar na aaya 2nd day b kuch nazar na aya . . 3rd day aankh ki sujan kuch utri tu thora nazar aya |
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#86 Shadi se pehle: Hero NO.1 Shadi k bad: Cooli NO.1 Shadi se pehle: Main Ne pyar Kia. Shadi k bad: Ye MAin Ne kya kia. Shadi se pehle: Kahona peyar hy. Shadi k bad: Ye sb bekar hy Shadi se phle: Tum Bin Raha Na Jae. Shadi k bad: Tum KO Saha Na Jae. Shadi se pehle: Hum dil de choke sanam. Shadi k bad: yeh kia kar choke hain hum Shadi se pehle: I LOVE YOU Shadi k bad: I KILL U Shadi se phle: Milne Kab Aao Gi. Shadi k bad: Mekay Kab Jao GI.:-( |
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#87 Ek Shohar khubsurt tha aur BV kali thi. Shohar: Hum dono Jannati hen BV:Kesy? Shohar: Tm Mjhy dekh kr Shukr ada krti ho Or M Tmhay Dek kr toba krta hun;-). |
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#88 Biwi:Main mar jaon gi Shohar:Main b mar jaon ga Biwi:Main to bemar hon tum Qmaro gay? . . Mujh sy itni khushi bardasht nahi hogi.. |
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#89 You are here: DreamySMS >> Wife & Husband SMS Biwi ne shohar ko phone kiya.,., Biwi ne shohar ko phone kiya: kahan hain aap? Shohar: tumhain who jewellery shop yaad hai jahan tumhain ek diamond ka set pasand aya tha? Biwi (khush hote huye): haan haan mujhe yaad hai !! Shohar: mein us ke saath wali shop mein baal katwa raha hun. Husband to wife:Hypnotise karna kya hota hai ? Husband to wife: Hypnotise karna kya hota hai ? Wife: kisi ko apne qaabu me kar k apni marzi k kam karwana . . . . . Husband: chal jhooti usay to shadi kehte hain One spelling mistake can destroy your life! One spelling mistake can destroy your life! A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add ‘e’ at the end of a word… … “I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her Wife-Main Marne ja rahi hu. Wife-Main Marne ja rahi hu. Husband-Ye lo “Dairy Milk” Wife-Q? Husband-Khushi k moqay pe kuch meetha hojaye.:-) Wife: Main ne suna hai ke jannat Wife: Main ne suna hai ke jannat main mardon ko hooren milen gi, tou aurton ko kya milay ga? Husband: Kuch naheen, yeh offer sirf mazloomon ke liye hai, Mard ki zindgi mein .,., Mard ki zindgi mein ” 3 Dolls ” ati hyn 1 uski Beti “Baby Doll” 2nd uski Girlfriend “Barbi Doll” 3rd us ki Bivi “Panadol” wo bhi extra ? 3 women. .Topic: 3 women. . Topic: Husband se kam krwana. American: mene Husband se kaha k aynda khana tum pakao gay. 2nd day us ne kuch nhi kya 3rd day usne rost bana liya German: mene husband se kaha k aynda gehr ki safai tum kroge. 2nd day wo chup raha. 3rd day pura ghar saaf tha. Pakistani: mene un se kaha k apne kapre ap khud wash krein gay, Aagle din mujhe kuch nazar na aaya 2nd day b kuch nazar na aya . . 3rd day aankh ki sujan kuch utri tu thora nazar aya ? Shadi se pehle: Hero NO.1 Shadi se pehle: Hero NO.1 Shadi k bad: Cooli NO.1 Shadi se pehle: Main Ne pyar Kia. Shadi k bad: Ye MAin Ne kya kia. Shadi se pehle: Kahona peyar hy. Shadi k bad: Ye sb bekar hy Shadi se phle: Tum Bin Raha Na Jae. Shadi k bad: Tum KO Saha Na Jae. Shadi se pehle: Hum dil de choke sanam. Shadi k bad: yeh kia kar choke hain hum Shadi se pehle: I LOVE YOU Shadi k bad: I KILL U Shadi se phle: Milne Kab Aao Gi. Shadi k bad: Mekay Kab Jao GI.:-( Ek Shohar khubsurt tha,.,. Ek Shohar khubsurt tha aur BV kali thi. Shohar: Hum dono Jannati hen BV:Kesy? Shohar: Tm Mjhy dekh kr Shukr ada krti ho Or M Tmhay Dek kr toba krta hun;-). Biwi:Main mar jaon gi,.,. Biwi:Main mar jaon gi Shohar:Main b mar jaon ga Biwi:Main to bemar hon tum Qmaro gay? . . Mujh sy itni khushi bardasht nahi hogi.. Husband Suhag Raat Ko Biwi Sy.,., Husband Suhag Raat Ko Biwi Sy: Aaj Sy Tumhari Sari Cheezein Main Use Karun Ga, . . Biwi Sharmate Howe Boli: Wo Plastic Wala Penis Aram Sy Lena, Murr Jata Hai…!! |
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#90 Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes. |
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#91 Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife is kidney. If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney. |
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#92 One Philosphar Said: Every Wife Is A ~Misstress~ Of Her Husband. ‘~Miss~’ For One Year And ‘~Stress~’ For Rest Of The Life..!! |
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#93 Aik Khofnak Nashta”Wife: Aap K Anday Ubaal Don.:-D Husband:Nahi Pehle Apna Doodh Garam Karlo.:-) |
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#94 zinda rha to tmhara hi sth nibhaoun ga. “DOST” Bhool jaun To samjh lena k Bhabi mil gyi he. (-,-) (‘.&rsquo /,,,/. _!!_,,_/_ Chalo begum. |
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#95 Wife: Meine suna hai k jannt mein Mardon ko Hooren milen gi. To Aurton ko kya mile ga? Husband; Kuch nahi. Allah sirf muzloom ki sunta hai.,. |
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#96 Pathan ki 2 Biviyan Larr pari, Aik boli k Aaj sunday Hay. 2sari boli nai Aaj Monday Hay. PATHAN Tang Aa k Bola: Main kya pagal Hun Jo juma parh k Aya Hun.,, |
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#97 Son: Papa main itan jawaan kab Honga k main Mama ko bina bataye Ghar se bahir ja sakoon? . . Papa: Bata itna Jawaan to abi tak mein b nahi hun;-) |
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#98 Biwi kitchen se boli: Sunte ho Main Din Ba Din khubsurat Hoti ja Rahi hun, shohar:Acha Wo kaise? Biwi:Ab to Mujhy se rotiyan b jalne Lagi hain.,.,.! |
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#99 4 Dost Bhethe Thy, Table Per Rakhe Mobiles Mein Sy 1 Baja, Man: Hello! Biwi: Jaan, I Am In Bazar, Keya Main 1 Lakh Ka Jewelry Set Ly Lon, Man: Han Jan Ly Lo. Biwi: Silk Sarhi Bhi Jo 20,000 Ki Hy Man: 1 Sarhi Nae 2 , 4 Ly Lo Biwi: Ok. Dear Tumhara Credit Card Myre Pas Hai, Usi Sy Ly Rahe Hon. Man: Han Thek Hai. Sary Dost Bole: Tu Pagal Hai Ya Tujhe Charh Gae, Ya Tu Humein Necha Dekha Raha Hai. K Tu Apni Biwi Ko Kitna Chahta Hai. Man: Wo Sub Choro Yay Batao Yay Mobile Kis Ka Hai? |
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#100 Husband: If I Have An Affair With Your Most Loving Friend, What Will Be The First Thought That Would Come To Your Mind? Smart Wife: That You Are Gay! |
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#101 Husband: Darling! Tum Mujhe 1 Jaga Sy Bohot Achi Lagti Ho Wife: Kaha Sy? Husband: DOOOOOOOOR Sy. |
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#102 Husband Mera White Ho Lambi Us Ki Height Ho Ghusay Ka Wo Light Ho Personality Us Ki Tight Ho Jab Saas Sy Meri Fight Ho ‘Kahy’ JANU Tum He Right Ho. |
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#103 An Economist Beautifully Explained Two Reason For Having 2 Wifes. A. Monopoly Should Be Broken. B. Competition Improves The Quality Of Services.. |
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#104 When youur fear touches someones pain, it becomes pity, when your love touches someones pain,it becomes compassion |
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#105 Marriage Cuple new marrige cuple train se jate hoe surng se guzry HASBAND: ager pata hota k itni lambi surang hai to mai is ka faida otha leta Wife? to kiya wo tum nahi thay |
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#106 What is the difference between wife & saali? Saali is Beauty, Wife is duy, Saali is passion, Wife is tension, Saali is patakha, Wife is sayapa, Saali is cool, Wife is fool, Saali is tuty-fruity, Wife is qismat futi, Saali is fresh cake, Wife is earth quake…:p |
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#107 Wife: Suno g doctor ne mujhe aik maheenay k araam k liye beautiful foreign country janay ko kaha hai. Hum kahan jayen gay? Husband: doosray doctor k passs.. |
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#108 Wife:kal rat tum mujhey neend mein galian kion de rahey thai? Husband: tumhey ghalat fehmi hoi hai.. Wife: kesi ghalat fehmi? Husband: Yehi k mein neeend mein tha.. |
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#109 Once a husband and wife were preparing to go office and the wife thought she would drive today for the office. Wife : Chalo na car me kahin ghumne chalte hai, aur car me drive karungi! Huband : “Agar tum car drive karogi to jayenge car mein, aayenge akhbaar mein”!! |
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#110 Husband Wife Main Larai Ho Gayi Husband Ghar Se Chala Gya Raat Ko Phone Pr Biwi Se Poocha : Khaane Main Kia Hai ? Wife : ZEHER Husband : Oki Tum Kha K So Jana Main Deer Se Aaonga ;-> |
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#111 Husband 2 Wife : Did u Have any boyfriend before marriage ?? Wife remains silent …… Husband : Mai is Khamoshi ko kya samjhu ?? Wife : Abbe gin ne to De…. |
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#112 Wife came home with a goat. Husband asked”Is bhains ko ghar kion lai ho?” Wife:”Dikhta nahin, bakri hy!” Husband:”Bakri se hi poch raha hon” |
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#113 Judge:why did u shoot ur wife instead of shootingher lover? Sardar:Your honour, it’s easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week. |
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#114 Doctor:Madam, your husband needs rest and pease so here are some sleeping pills. Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him? Doctor:They are for you.!! |
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#115 How woman calls their husband in first 6 years Yr 1.Janu Yr 2.O G. Yr 3.Sunte ho? Yr 4.O bunty k pappa Yr 5.Kahan mar gaye? Yr 6.Tum aate ho k main aaon? |
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#116 Last night was my fault, my wife asked, “what’s on the TV?” and ….. I said, “dust!” |
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#117 Husband:u will never succeed in making that dog obey u! Wife:Nonsense it’s only a matter of patience, I had a lot of trouble with u at first. |
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#118 My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Than we met. |
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#119 Friends Are like “Priya Gold Biscuit” Haq Se maango Girl Friends are like Pepsi Yeh Dil Maange More Wife is like a medicine Bas Ek hi kaafi hai |
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#120 Wife: What is so interesting in me? Husband: I dont know the meaning of interesting!!! |
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#121 Husband 2 Wife : Did u Have any boyfriend before marriage ?? Wife remains silent …… Husband : Mai is Khamoshi ko kya samjhu ?? Wife : Abbe gin ne to De…. |
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#122 Wife:-I will die. Husband:- I will also die. Wife:-why will you die? Husband:-because main itni khushi bardasht nahin ker sakta |
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#123 Wife: If I die what will u do? Husband: Main paagal ho jaun ga! Wife: Will u marry again after I die? Husband: Pagal kuch bhi kar sakta hai |
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#124 Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife is kidney. If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney. |
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#125 जज औरत से : हाँ तो बताइए आपके तलाक की ज़मीन क्या है ? औरत : ज़मीन, शहर के बीचो बीच एक बहुत बड़ा बंगला है और उसके पास थोड़ी सी खाली ज़मीन है ?? जज : नहीं – नहीं , मेरे कहने का मतलब है कि तलाक़ के लिए ग्राउंड्स क्या है ??? औरत : ग्राउंड तो बंगले के पास ही है पर ज्यादा बड़ा नहीं है ?? जज : आप समझ नहीं रही है मैं आधार की बात कर रहा हूँ ?? ? औरत : आधार कार्ड तो बना हुआ है पर उसका कैमरा अच्छा नहीं था तो फोटो अच्छी नहीं आई ?? जज : तलाक की नींव क्या है ? ? ?? ? औरत: नींव बहुत गहरी है आप फ़िक्र न करे ?? जज : देवी जी आप तलाक़ क्यों लेना चाहती है ??? औरत: तलाक मैं नहीं मेरे पति लेना चाहते है ?? जज औरत के पति से : आपके अपनी पत्नी से तलाक लेने की वजह क्या है ??? पति : यही मगज़मारी जो अभी आपके साथ हुई मेरे साथ रोज़ होती है ???????? जज की आँखों में ऑंसू आ गए |
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#126 गणेश जी की दो पत्नियाँ है – रिद्धि और सिद्धि और इन्सान की एक ही है और वो भी ज़िद्दी ???????????? |
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#127 वर्मा जी वकील से : मुझे अपनी पत्नी से तलाक चाहिए , वो पिछले 6 महीने से मुझसे बात नहीं कर रही वकील : एक बार अच्छी तरह से सोच लो , ऐसी पत्नी बार बार नहीं मिलती ???? |
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#128 पति ने नहाने के बाद बाथरूम से आवाज़ लगाई : “सुनो ज़रा तौलिया देना मेरा ” पत्नी (गुस्से में ): तुम हमेशा तौलिये के बिना ही क्यों जाते हो ? अब नाश्ता बनाऊँ या तुम्हें तौलिया दूँ ? बनियान भी धोकर नल पर टाँग देते हो वो भी मैं उठाऊँ … नहाने के बाद wiper भी नहीं मारते तुम , कल तो light भी बंद नहीं की…. गीले गीले पैर लेकर बाहर आते हो पहर पूरे घर में घुमते हो फ़िर उस पर मिट्टी पड़ जाती है और सारा घर गंदा हो जाता है , अपनी कामवाली बाथरूम साफ़ करने गयी फिसल कर गिर गयी और 3 दिन नहीं आयी , कितना बुरा हाल हुआ था मेरा काम करके…..?? पति (मन में सोचते हुए ) : तौलिया माँग कर गलती कर दी या शादी करके ???? |
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#129 पत्नी (गुस्से में ): मैं घर छोड़ कर जा रही हूँ … ?? पति (गुस्से में ): हाँ “जान ” छोड़ो अब ?? पत्नी : बस आपकी यही “जान ” कहने की आदत ना हमेशा मुझे रोक लेती है ??? |
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#130 ???? पति हाथ पाँव छिलवाकर और एक आंख सुजवाकर घर आया… ? पत्नी ने घबराकर पति से पूछा : क्या हुआ ???? पति : कुछ नहीं, एक औरत स्कूटी से टक्कर मार के निकल गई ?? पत्नी : – तो उसके स्कूटर का नंबर नोट किया, कौन थी ?? कुछ तो याद होगा ? पति : – नहीं, दर्द के कारण स्कूटर का रंग और नंबर तो नहीं देख पाया पर ?बहुत गोरी व सुनहरे बाल वाली थी ? उसने गहरे हरे रंग का सूट पहना था?, गुलाबी कलर की चूड़ियां , ?गहरे लाल कलर की लिपस्टिक, कानों में हीरे की बालियां थी, हाथों में मेहंदी लगी थी ?और हाँ दायें गाल पे होठों के पास तिल भी था …? इतना बताते ही पतिदेव की दूसरी आंख भी सूज गयी ? ???????? |
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#131 बरसात के इस सुहाने मौसम में singles – सपने देखते हैं couples – date करते है शादीशुदा : ये कपड़े कहाँ सूखने डालूँ ? ?? |
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#132 पत्नी : तुम कोई भी काम ढंग से नहीं करते हो ??? पति : अब क्या हुआ ? क्या कर दिया ऐसा मैंने ? ?? पत्नी : तुमने जो कल cylinder लगाया था ?? पति : हाँ लगाया था ?? पत्नी : पता नहीं कैसे लगाया कल से दो बार दूध उबला दोनों बार ही दूध फट गया ??????? |
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#133 पति : तुम हर बात पर हमेशा मेरा-मेरा करती हो, तुम्हें हमारा kehna चाहिए पत्नी कुछ ढूंढ रही होती है अलमारी में…. पति : क्या ढूँढ रही हो ? पत्नी : हमारा पेटीकोट ???????? |
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#134 पत्नी : तुम मेरे साथ करवाचौथ का व्रत रखोगे ना ? पति : मैंने तुम्हें कभी कहा मेरे साथ दारु पीने चलो ?? |
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#135 डॉक्टर : आपकी पत्नी बस दो – तीन दिन की मेहमान है , I am sorry पति : इसमें सॉरी की क्या बात है डॉक्टर साहिब ये 2-3 दिन भी जैसे तैसे कट ही जायेंगे?? |
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#136 पति ने पत्नी से कहा पिछले महीने का हिसाब दो पत्नी ने हिसाब लिखना शुरू किया और बीच बीच में लिखने लगी भ. जा. कि. गे . 800भ. जा. कि. गे . 2000भ. जा. कि. गे . 500भ. जा. कि. गे . पति ने पूछा ये भ. जा.कि. गे की क्या है ? पत्नी : भगवान् जाने किधर गए ??? |
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#137 पति को बाजार जाते हुए देख पत्नी ने पैसे देकर कहा “कुछ ऐसी चीज़ लाना जिस से मैं सुन्दर दिखूं” ????? पति खुद के लिए Whisky की दो बोतल ले आया। ?? |
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#138 प्रभु यह क्या मोह माया है? अपना बच्चा रोये तो दिल में दर्द होता है ….. और दूसरे का रोये तो सर में!! !! अपनी बीवी रोये तो सर में दर्द होता है…… और दूसरे की रोये तो दिल में??? सब प्रभु की माया है ???? |
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#139 मुझे किसी ने सलाह दी की बीवी से बहस में नहीं जीता जा सकता इसलिए बस मुस्कुरा दिया करो मैंने भी कोशिश की ?? बीवी : बहुत हंसी आ रही है आजकल तुम्हे ? लगता है तुम्हारा भूत उतारना ही पड़ेगा ??? |
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#140 जब लड़की अपने, पिता के घर होती है,” रानी ” बन कर रहती है….. पहली बार ससुराल जाती है,” लक्ष्मी “,बनकर जाती है……. और ससुराल में काम कऱते-करते ” बाई ” बन जाती है…… इस तरह लड़कियाँ “रानी-लक्ष्मी-बाई” बन जाती है…!!! और फिर वो पति को अंग्रेज समझ कर बिना तलवार के ही इतना परेशान कर देती है कि ???? बेचारा पति, अंग्रेज न हो कर भी “अंग्रेजी” ?? लेना शुरू कर देता है ????? |
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#141 कर्मचारी अपने साहब से – साहब, आप ऑफिस में शादीशुदा आदमियों को ही क्यों रखते हो ? साहब- क्योंकि उन्हें बेइज़्ज़ती सहने की आदत होती है और घर जाने की जल्दी भी नहीं होती। ???????? |
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#142 कर्मचारी अपने साहब से – साहब, आप ऑफिस में शादीशुदा आदमियों को ही क्यों रखते हो ? साहब- क्योंकि उन्हें बेइज़्ज़ती सहने की आदत होती है और घर जाने की जल्दी भी नहीं होती। ???????? |
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#143 पति- तेरे बाप की जले पर नमक छिड़कने की आदत गई नहीं। पत्नी- क्यों क्या हुआ? पति- आज फिर से पूछ रहा था कि मेरी बेटी से शादी करके खुश तो हो ना? ????? |
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#144 अगर आपकी पत्नी आपका कहना नहीं मानती है तो..??…………….. तो..??……………. इतना ध्यान से मत पढ़ो……………… किसी की नहीं मानती ?????…………….. इसका कोई इलाज नहीं है ??? |
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#145 पत्नी : अजी सुनते हो, आपका दोस्त एक पागल लड़की से शादी करने जा रहा है…उसे रोकते क्यों नहीं ? पति – क्यों रोकूँ ? उस दोस्त ने मुझे रोका था क्या ???? |
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#146 पत्नी : अजी सुनते हो दो किलो मटर ले लूँ ? पति : हाँ ….. ले लो जो ठीक लग रहा है कर लो पत्नी : राय नहीं माँग रही आपकी ?? …… पूछ रही हूँ …… छील लोगे इतने ….. कि कम लूँ ????? |
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#147 पति Whisky का एक गिलास बनाता है और पत्नी से कहता है- लो पीओ इसे… पत्नी Whisky का एक घूँट पीती है और कहती है- छी छी… कितनी कड़वी है…. पति- और तू सोचती है कि मै अय्याशी / मज़े करता हूँ…जहर के घूँट पीता हूँ … जहर के…??? |
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#148 friends : Asian Paints ( जो दुनिया बदल दे ) girlfriend : Everest Msala ( taste में best ) पत्नी : mosquito coil ( कोने -कोने से ढूँढ कर मारे )????? पति ने पत्नी को phone किया….. बहुत देर घण्टी बजती रही |
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#149 आजकल बीवी बात-बात में GST बोलने लगी है… कैसी भी बहस चल रही हो वो GST बोल कर बहस को ख़त्म कर देती है. तंग आकर मैंने पूँछ ही लिया: ये तुम बात करते-करते बीच में ही GST बोल कर चल देती हो…क्या मतलब है तुम्हारा ? और उसने जो जवाब दिया वो सुनकर मैं बेहोश होते होते बचा G – गलती S – सिर्फ T – तुम्हारी है |
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#150 बीवी : आप सुलेमान की बीवी के जनाज़े पर नहीं गए ? पति : किस मुँह से जाऊँ तीसरी बार बीवी के जनाज़े में बुला रहा है और मैं उसे एक बार भी नहीं बुला सका ????? |
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#151 एक आदमी डॉक्टर के पास गया डॉक्टर: आपको आराम की ज़रूरत है , नींद की गोली दे रहा हूँ , अपनी बीवी को खिला देना ??? |
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#152 एक प्रश्न : पत्नी क्या है ? उत्तर : पत्नी उस शक्ति का नाम है जिसके घूरने भर से देखने पर टिंडे की सब्ज़ी में पनीर का स्वाद आने लगता है ??? |
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#153 पत्नी : अजी सुनते हो ? अगर मैं वक़्त होती तो लोग मेरी कितनी कदर करते है न ??? पति : लोग तुम्हे देख कर डर जाते ?? पत्नी : डर क्यों जाते ? ? ? पति : लोग कहते देखो बुरा वक़्त आ रहा है ????? |
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#154 एक बॉस ने अपने नए ऑफिस में एक कैलेंडर टाँगा ” I am the Boss , Don’t Forget and remain in your limits” जब बॉस लंच से वापिस आया तो टेबल पर एक नोट देखा उसमें लिखा था “आपकी बीवी का फ़ोन आया था बहुत गुस्से में थी और कह रही थी आपको कह दे की जो कैलेंडर वो घर से लाये हैं वो शाम को वापिस ले आये ??? |
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#155 पति अपने दोस्त से : यार मेरी पत्नी बहुत खर्चीले स्वभाव की हो गई है , आये दिन कभी 1000 कभी 2000 मांगती रहती है ?? दोस्त : तुम्हारी पत्नी इतने पैसों का करती क्या है ? ?? पहला दोस्त : क्या पता ? मैंने कभी दिए ही नहीं ??? |
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#156 पत्नी तैयार होकर अपने पति से पूछती है : कैसी लग रही हूँ मैं ? ? पति : कसम से दिल तो कर रहा है कि तुझे पाकिस्तान फेंक आऊँ ?? पत्नी : क्या मतलब ? ? पति : बम लग रही है बम ?????? |
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#157 पहला दोस्त : यार ये शादी का क्या मतलब होता है ? दूसरा दोस्त : धूमधाम से खुद की सुपारी देना ??? |
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#158 नेहा : कल तुम किट्टी पार्टी में क्यों नहीं आयी ? दीपिका : यार कल मेरी BMW नहीं आई थी इसलिए नेहा : BMW ??????????? दीपिका : बर्तन मांजने वाली ?????? |
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#159 संजू : यार, तू कल इतना दुखी क्यों था? राहुल : मेरी पत्नी ने साड़ी के लिए मुझसे 5,000 रुपये लिए थे। संजू : लेकिन आज इतना खुश क्यों हो रहा है? राहुल : मेरी पत्नी वही साड़ी पहनकर तेरी पत्नी से मिलने जा रही है ???????? |
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#160 कहते है कि पति परिवार का हेड होता है ..लेकिन लोग भूल जाते हैं कि पत्नी परिवार की गरदन होती है ..और गर्दन जिधर मुड़ेगी .. हेड को तो उधर ही मुड़ना है ?? |
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#161 पत्नी मायके से फोन करती है पति को -अपना ध्यान रखना, सुना है बहुत डेंगू फैल रहा है पति-मेरा सारा खून तो तू पी गई थी, मच्छर क्या “रक्त दान” करने आएगा?? ???? |
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#162 पत्नी: कहाँ पर हो…??? पति: accident हो गया है…. हॉस्पिटल जा रहा हूँ,, पत्नी: ध्यान देना….. टिफ़िन टेढ़ा ना हो जायें वरना दाल गिर जायेगी ???? |
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#163 अर्ज़ किया है..LIC वाले भी ग़जब ढाते हैं…वाह वाह …LIC वाले भी ग़जब ढाते हैं…दुसरो की बीवियों के पास घंटो बैठकर, उन्हें उनके पति की मौत के फायदे समझाते है ?? |
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#164 सुबह सुबह बीवी ने कहा – उठो जी, मेरे लिए नाश्ता बना दो .. पति उठा और बाहर जाने लगा पत्नी -अरे कहाँ चल दिए ? पति – अपने वकील के पास, मुझे तुमसे तलाक़ लेना है पति वकील के घर गया और वहाँ से उलटे पैर लौट आया और चुपचाप नाश्ता बनाने लगा … क्यों????? क्योंकि वकील बर्तन मांज रहा था ??? |
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#165 पति यदि खाना खाते वक्त आचार माँगे…तो समझ जाना कि ना तो सब्जी में दम है ……….और ना ही सीधे बोलने का दम है..??????? |
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#166 संजू जैसे ही घर पहुँचा, पत्नी ने लात घूँसों से पीटना शुरू कर दिया ……बुरी तरह से पिटने के बाद संजू ने जब पिटाई का कारण पूछा तो पत्नी बोली- पड़ोस वाले वर्मा जी का उसके ऑफिस की सेक्रेटरी से चक्कर चल रहा है ? संजू – तो मुझे क्यों पीट रही हो ? पत्नी- ताकि खौफ़ कायम रहे ??? |
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#167 मैंने कल अपने दोस्त को फोन किया और पूछा कि वो क्या कर रहा है, तो उसने बोला वह एक विशेष प्रकार की रिसर्च पर काम कर रहा है। जोर डालने पर उसने बताया कि…… He is currently working on “Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment” मैं बहुत प्रभावित हुआ …. बाद में दिमाग पर जोर दे के समझ आया कि बर्तन धो रहा था गरम पानी से …बीबी की निगरानी में .. ?????????! |
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#168 पार्टी में सुन्दर लड़की से हंस हंस कर बातें कर रहे पति के पास पत्नी आई और बोली…..चलिये, घर चल कर मैं आपकी चोट पे Moov लगा दूँगी। पति : पर मुझे चोट कहाँ लगी है?? पत्नी: अभी हम घर भी कहाँ पहुंचे हैं???? ??? |
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#169 खाना खाने बैठे पति ने अपनी पत्नी से पुछा ” ये सब्ज़ी जो तुमने बनाई है इसका क्या नाम है ? पत्नी : क्यों पूछ रहे हो ? पति : मुझे भी तो ऊपर जाकर जवाब देना है जब वो पूछेंगे ” क्या खा कर मरे थे ?” |
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#170 पति ने पत्नी को मेसेज भेजा- मेरी जिंदगी इतनी प्यारी, इतनी खूबसूरत बनाने के लिए तुम्हारा शुक्रिया। मैं आज जो भी हूं, सिर्फ तुम्हारी वजह से हूं। तुम मेरे जीवन में एक फरिश्ता बनकर आई हो और तुमने ही मुझे जीने का मकसद दिया है…. Love You … पत्नी ने रिप्लाई किया- मार लिया चौथा पैग??? आ जाओ घर कुछ नही कहूँगी… पति – बाहर खड़ा हूँ , गेट खोल दे ?????? |
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#171 पत्नी -आप मुझे रानी क्यों बोलते हो? पति – क्योंकि नौकरानी लम्बा शब्द हो जाता है, ? पत्नी गुस्से से : तुम्हे पता है कि में तुम्हे “जान” क्यों बोलती हूँ? पति: नहीं.. बताओ तो जरा पत्नी: जानवर लम्बा शब्द हो जाता है इसलिए सिर्फ “जान” बोल देती हूँ ???? |
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#172 बीमार पति को लेकर पत्नी डॉक्टर के पास पहुंची। डॉक्टर ने मरीज की जांच पड़ताल की और बाहर आकर उस महिला से कहा :- अपने पति को रोजाना पौष्टिक नाश्ता दीजिए। उन्हें हमेशा खुशमिजाज ? बनाए रखिए। किसी परेशानी पर उनसे बहस ? मत किया कीजिए। टीवी सीरियल देखना छोड़ दीजिए। टेंशन देने वाले काम जैसे..??नए कपड़ों ?? और गहनों ?? की मांग न करें। अगर आप साल भर तक ऐसा करेंगी, तो आपके पति बिल्कुल ठीक हो जाएंगे। वहां से लौटते वक्त पति ने अपनी पत्नी से पूछा : डॉक्टर ने क्या बताया ❓ पत्नी :- डॉक्टर ने कहा है कि बचना मुश्किल है… |
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#173 एक बच्चा अपनी माँ से बोला –“मम्मी,कोई कहानी सुनाओ ना ”? मम्मी – “बेटा,मुझे तो कोई कहानी याद नहीं । अभी तुम्हारे पापा घर आयेंगे, तब मैं पूछूँगी कि इतने लेट कैसे हुए …,फिर तुम देखना वो कितनी कहानियाँ सुनाते हैं … ? ? ?? ? ? ? ? ….. |
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#174 टीचर : मैं 2 वाक्य दूंगा आपको उसमें अंतर बताना है 1. उसने बर्तन धोये 2. उसे बर्तन धोने पड़े संजू : पहले वाक्य में कर्ता अविवाहित है और दुसरे वाक्य में कर्ता विवाहित है। टीचर अभी तक बेहोश है।? ? ? ? |
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#175 विवाह क्या है ? विवाह एक ऐसा गठबंधन है जिसमे में 2 लोग मिलकर उन समस्याओं को सुलझाने का जीवन भर प्रयास करते है जो पहले कभी थी ही नहीं ??? |
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#176 अगर पत्नी मायके गई हो, तो आदमी तब तक बर्तन नहीं धोता, जब तक चाय कढ़ाई में बनाने की नौबत ना आ जाए…? ? ? ? |
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#177 पति : मैच वाला चैनल लगाओ पत्नी : नहीं लगाऊँगी ? पति : देख लूँगा ? पत्नी : क्या देख लोगे ??? पति : यही चैनल जो तुम देख रही हो ?? |
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#178 पत्नी ने पति को कॉल किया : कहाँ हो अभी तक घर नहीं आये ? पति : तुम्हे वो ज्वेलरी की दुकान याद है जहाँ तुम्हें हीरे का एक हार पसन्द आया था ? लेकिन तब मेरे पास इतने पैसे नहीं थे कि तुम्हें दिला पाता। पत्नी : हाँ याद है पति : फिर मैंने कहा था जब मेरे पास पैसे होंगे मैं तुम्हे जरूर दिलवाऊंगा पत्नी : खुश होकर हाँ बिलकुल याद है ?? पति : बस मैं उसी दुकान के सामने वाले सलून में बाल कटवा रहा हूँ थोड़ा लेट आऊंगा।??? ? ? ? |
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#179 एक दिन पति अपने घर की लाइट ठीक कर रहा था…… तभी उसने अपनी बीवी को आवाज़ लगाईं… पत्नी – क्या है ? पति – ज़रा इधर तो आओ … पत्नी– लो आ गई, अब बोलो ? पति– ये दो तार हैं, ज़रा इनमे से कोई एक हाथ में पकड़ना पत्नी– क्यों ? पति– अरे तू पकड़ तो सही एक बार पत्नी– ये लो पकड़ लिया पति– कुछ हुआ? पत्नी– नहीं तो… पति – अच्छा, इसका मतलब कर्रेंट दूसरी तार में है.. ? ? ? ? |
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#180 तूफानी बारिश आधी रात एक आदमी Pizza Hut से पिज़्ज़ा लेने गया पिज़्ज़ावाला:- आप शादीशुदा हो ?? आदमी:- साले, ऐसे तूफान में कौनसी माँ अपने बेटे को पिज़्ज़ा लाने भेजेगी..???? |
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#181 एक आदमी की एक टांग की हड्डी टूट गयी…वो हॉस्पिटल गया तो देखा कि वहां एक आदमी की दोनों टांगें टूटी हुई हैं ।। भोलापन तो देखिए … तो वो उसको देखकर बोला कि – आपकी दो पत्नियां हैं क्या???? |
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#182 एक सर्वे के अनुसार 40% लोग अपनी बीबी से परेशान हैँ …बाकी 60% लोगों ने अपनी पत्नी के डर से सर्वे में भाग नही लिया…??? ?? |
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#183 हिंदी में शुरू से ही कमजोर रहा हूँ…. पर आज गडबड हो गई , बीवी को मैसेज भेज रहा था , प्रियतमा की जगह प्रेतआत्मा लिख कर send हो गया….सुबह से खाना नहीं मिला है … ?? ? ? |
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#184 पत्नी ने अपने पती को बताया :मेरी जीभ पर छाले निकल आए हैं। पती बोला- उसे कभी आराम तो करने नहीं देती, फिर यह तो होना ही था ?????? |
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#185 एक व्यक्ति घर में पुराने कागजात देख रहा था,तभी उसके हाथ में धर्मपत्नि का ग्यारवी कक्षा का रिपोर्ट कार्ड आया….नम्बरो के नीचे चरित्र प्रमाण पत्र पढ कर अभी तक बेहोश है…. लिखा था …“मधुरभाषी एवं शांतिप्रिय छात्रा”??? |
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#186 पत्नी : प्लीज मेरी तरफ मुह करके सो जाओ…. मुझे डर लग रहा हे….. पति : अच्छा!! बस अपनी ही चिंन्ता हे… मे भले ही डर डर के मर जाऊँ |
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#187 एक बार एक सास अपनी बहु से बहुत परेशान थी,क्यूंकि वो कोई काम नहीं करती थी । एक दिन सास ने अपने बेटे के साथ मिलकर सलाह बनाई कि कल सुबह मैं घर में झाड़ू लगाऊँगी, और तुम मुझे टोकना कि लाओ माँ मैं कर देता हूँ , इस तरह (बहु ) को कुछ तो शर्म आएगी ?? सुबह जैसे ही माँ झाड़ू लगाने लगी… लड़का – लाओ माँ मैं कर देता हूँ…. माँ — ना बेटा, यह तुम्हारा काम नहीं…. लड़का– नहीं माँ….लाओ मुझे लगाने दो…. इतने में बहु मौक़े पर आई और बोली – अरे, इसमें झगड़ने की क्या बात है.. Even date पे माँ लगाएंगी और Odd date पे तुम लगा लेना…. माँ और बेटा बेहोश ? ?????????? |
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#188 पत्नी – अजी सुनते हो , तुमको ऑफिस की फ़िक्र है घर की कोई फ़िक्र ही नहीं पति – क्या हुआ ? पत्नी – लगता है हमारी बेटी ने बाहर किसी से सेटिंग कर ली है पति – तुमको कैसे पता ? पत्नी – आज कल मोबाइल रिचार्ज के पैसे ही नहीं माँगती है …. पति बेहोश |
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#189 पत्नी – मै मायके तभी जाउंगी , जब आप मुझे छोड़ने आओगे पति – मंजूर है पर वादा करो की घर भी तुम तभी आओगी , जब मै तुम्हे लेने आऊंगा |
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#190 पत्नी मायके जाती है और पति को मैसेज भेजती है:”मेरी मोहब्ब्त को अपने दिल में ढूंढ लेना; और हाँ, आटे को अच्छी तरह गूँथ लेना! मिल जाए अगर प्यार तो खोना नहीं; प्याज़ काटते वक्त बिलकुल रोना नहीं! मुझसे रूठ जाने का बहाना अच्छा है; थोड़ी देर और पकाओ आलू अभी कच्चा है! मिलकर फिर खुशियों को बाँटना है; टमाटर जरा बारीक़ ही काटना है! लोग हमारी मोहब्ब्त से जल न जाएं; चावल टाइम पे देख लेना कहीं गल न जाएं! कैसी लगी हमारी ग़जल बता देना; नमक कम लगे तो और मिला लेना! ???????? पति का सुपर रिप्लाई: तुम्हारी यही अदा तो दिल को भा गईं.. तुम्हारे जाते ही, पड़ोसन खाना पकाने आ गई .. ????? |
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#191 ?प्रश्न : गुरुदेव शादी कितने जन्मों का बन्धन है? गुरुदेव : यह तो तुम पर निर्भर करता है, सब ठीक चल रहा है तो समझो 6 जन्म बाकी हैं ? … और अगर सब गडबड है तो सोचो कि 6 जन्म निकल गए, यह आखरी है, निकाल लो ???????? |
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#192 बीवी से परेशान पति एक दिन पंडितजी के पास पहुंचा पति – “पंडितजी, एक बात बताइये ये जनम जनम का साथ वाली बात सच है क्या ?” पंडितजी – “सौ फ़ीसदी सच !” पति – “मतलब मुझे अगले जनम में भी यही पत्नी मिलेगी … ?” पंडितजी – “बिलकुल !” पति – “हे भगवान ! फिर तो ख़ुदकुशी करने से भी कोई फायदा नही … !!!” |
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#193 निकाह के दौरान मौलवी ने आवाज लगाते हुए कहा – इस शादी पर किसी को कोई ऐतराज़ ? एक आवाज़ आई – “हाँ, मुझे है …” मौलवी ने आवाज लगाने वाले को झिड़कते हुए कहा – अमां यार तुम चुप रहो … तुम दूल्हे हो … तुम्हें तो ज़िन्दगी भर रहेगा !! |
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#194 बहुत बड़े बोर्ड पर सुंदर लड़की का मिक्सर के साथ फोटो था और लिखा था — “एक्सचेंज ऑफर” पति बहुत देर से वो बोर्ड गौर से देख रहा था …. ये देख कर पत्नी बड़े ही “नम्रतापूर्वक” बोली– “घर चलिए … ऑफर सिर्फ मिक्सर पर है … !!! |
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#195 पत्नी: कोई नया शेर सुनाओ? पति: संगमरमर से तराशा, खुदा ने तेरे बदन को.. पत्नी (ख़ुशी से): आगे? पति: बाकी बचा पत्थर उसने तेरी अक्ल पे रख दिया। |
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#196 पति वह प्राणी है जो भूत प्रेत से बेशक न डरे मगर….. पत्नी की ‘4 missed call’….. खौफ पैदा करने के लिए काफी है!!!! ? ? ? ? ? |
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#197 डॉक्टर ने मरीज़ की जांच करने के बाद कहा – आपके कोई पुरानी बीमारी है, जो आपके शरीर को धीरे धीरे खा रही है… मरीज़ – डॉक्टर साहब ! थोड़ा धीरे बोलियें वो ???? बाहर ही बैठी है… |
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#198 पत्नी : मैं आपके लिए दुनिया की कोई भी जगह में जा सकती हूँ पति : तो फिर एक वादा और करो… कि कभी वापिस नहीं आओगी। |
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#199 पति : आज खाना क्यों नहीं बनाया ? पत्नी : गिर गई थी और लग गयी ? पति : कहाँ गिर गई थी और क्या लग गयी थी? पत्नी : तकिये पर गिर गयी थी और आँख लग गयी थी। |
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#200 पति पत्नी एक ही प्लेट मे गोलगप्पे खा रहे थे , एक दूसरे की आँख मैं आँख डाले पत्नी ने रोमांटिक हो कर पूछा : ऐसे क्या देख रहे हो??जी पति बोला : थोडा आराम से खा…मेरी बारी ही नहीं आ रही.. ????? |
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#201 एक आदमी कुम्भ मेले में प्रार्थना कर रहा था :हे प्रभु, न्याय करो… हे प्रभु, न्याय करो… हमेशा भाई-भाई को बिछड़ते देखा है कुम्भ में … कभी पति-पत्नी पर भी try करो !! |
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#202 दिल छू लेने वाली कहानी … पति और पत्नी घूमने निकले…टहलते समय पति एक पत्थर से टकरा गया और उसका खून बहने लगा… उसने अपनी पत्नी की तरफ देखा इस उम्मीद में की वो अपना दुपट्टा फाड़ेगी और उसके घाव पे बाँध देगी.. पत्नी ने पति की आँखों में देखा और बोली ….. सोचना भी मत… डिज़ाइनर पीस है!! |
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#203 पति- सुतली बम है क्या?? पत्नी- दिवाली खत्म हो गयी अब सुतली बम क्यों चाहिये?? पति- तुम्हारे मायके से आया तिल का लड्डू फोडना है..!! |
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#204 Bhakt- Bhagwaan main Paapi hoon! Mujhe dard do, Dukh do, Mujhe barbaad kar do, Pareshaani do, Mujhe truck se kuchal do, Mujhe Mount Everst ki choti se gira do, Mere peechhe bhoot laga do! Bhagawaan- abe 1 Line mein bol na ki biwi chaahie! latest new fresh pati patni chutkule |
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#205 kit-kit ki aavaaz aa rahi thi., Patni: dekho ji, choohe kapade kutar rahe hain., Pati (kaampate hue): saari rajai jo tune kheench li, mere hi daant kitakita rahe hain. winter sardi rajai special pati patni chutkule |
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#206 Chunav Lad Rahi Mahila Se Reporter Ne Pucha- Apko Chunav Ladne Ka Khayal Kaise Aya Lady- Jab B Me Apne Pati Se Ladti Hu To Jeet Meri Hi Hoti Hai |
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#207 Santa - "Dekh teri Wife ko saanp(Snake) kaat raha hai" Banta - "abe vo kaat nahin raha, usaka jahar khatam ho gaya hai to vah Recharge karavaane aaya hai..." |
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#208 "Adabhut Sach" Duniya ke 90% purusho ka Sukun un mahilao ne chheena hai... jinake naam ke aakhiri mein ...A, I, N, M, Y, L ya U aata hai... yadi vishvaas na ho to apani patni ke naam se tasalli kar lijiye... |
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#209 Dukaanadaar: kya chaahie ? Graahak: mujhe beevi se ladane ke lie taakat chaahie, himmat chaahie, akal bhi chaahie Dukaanadaar: saahab ko ek kvaartar do, soda do aur mungdaal ka Packet do paanch vaala. |
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#210 Pati- Meri Nazar Kamzor Ho Gayi Hai, Sochta Hu Chashma Banwa Lu. Patni- Rehne Do! Colony Me Mujhse Sundar Koi Nahi Hai. |
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#211 Aaj ka Hindi Gyaan: Air Hostess Havai Sundari Nurse Davai Sundari Lady Teacher Padhai Sundari Naukaraani Saphai Sundari kisi ne joda Patni Ladai Sundari! |
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#212 A Man praying in ?? Kumbh Mela... Hey Prabhu, nyay karo... Hey Prabhu, nyay karo... Hamesha bhai ko bhai bichhadte hai kumbh meley main... Kabhi pati-Patni per bhi try karo? |
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#213 Dulha Romantic Andaz Me Bola May I Kiss U Darling ? . Dulhan Sharmatae Hue Boli Humne To Kabhi Gairo Ko Bhi Manaa Nai Kiya, Aap Toh Fir Bhi Apne Ho.. |
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#214 Dear future Husband, I promise to be fiercely loyal to you until the day I die. Love, your future Wife. |
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#215 Biwi: Mere Shrafat Dekho, Main ny Tumhein Begair Dekhy Shaadi Kr li. Shohar: Or Meri Shrafat Dekho, Main ny Dekh Kr Bhi Inkar Nahi Keya. |
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#216 Ya Khud Mere Shoar Ko Tarakki De Daulat De Bangla De Mujhe Khuchh Nahi Chahiye.. Tu Sab Mere Shohar Ko De . . . . Baki… Unse Lena mera Kaam Hai,, |
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#217 Husband & Wife 1 plate mein pani puri kha rahe thy, 1 Dosare ki aankho me aankhe dal k.. Wife(pyar sy): Aaise keya dekh rahe ho Husband: Thora aaram sy kha mere baari hi nahi aa rahe!! |
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#218 Some women are sooo concerned about their husband’s happiness. that they hire detectives to find out who is responsible for it. |
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#219 2 Lovers plan suicide. Boy jumps, Girl closes her eyes and returns saying love is blind. Boy opens his parachute saying love never dies. |
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#220 A boy goes to see a cabare dance. His mom gets angry & asks: Did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see? Boy: Yes, I saw dad. |
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#221 A female snake tried to kiss a male snake. Suddenly the male snake turned and started singing: Zehar hai ki pyaar hai tera chumma |
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#222 A husband is living proof That a wife can take a joke. A husband is what’s left of the lover. After the nerve has been extracted. |
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#223 A lady places an advertisement in her local paper reading: Husband Wanted. Next day she receives 100s of responses. They all read the same: Have Mine |
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#224 Why doesn't the law permit a man to marry the second time? . . Because as per the law, you cannot be punished twice for the same offence! |
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#225 Whats the difference between arranged and love marriage? Love marriage is impulsive suicide Arranged marriage is planned murder. |
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#226 Man1: I became a millionaire after I married my wife. Man2: Wow! Man1: The problem is I was a billionaire before marriage. |
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#227 Married life is full of excitement and frustration. In the 1st year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the 2nd year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the 3rd year, they both speak and the neighbours listen. |
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#228 If marriages are made in heaven, then what are made in Hell? . . scroll below . . . . . The days after marriage! ----------------- 1 ❤: Rohitk, |
Rohitk [PM 1460] Rank : Newbie Status : Member |
#229 |
Badshabth [PM 172] Rank : SMS ExperT Status : VIP |
#230 A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night. He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight. He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall. He smashed the first bottle swearing, “you are the reason I fight with my wife”. He smashed the second bottle, “you are the reason I don’t love my children”. He smashed the third bottle, “you are the reason I don’t have a decent job”. When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated for only a moment and said “you stand aside, I know you were not involved”. |
Badshabth [PM 172] Rank : SMS ExperT Status : VIP |
#231 Wife: Today, I want to relax, so I have brought three movie tickets. Husband: why three tickets? Wife: you and your parents. |
Badshabth [PM 172] Rank : SMS ExperT Status : VIP |
#232 Biwi: Tumhe kuch yaad bhi rehta hai? Aaj hamari wedding anniversary hai, . Pati: Oh main to bhool hi gaya tha. Aao, 2 minute ka maun rakhenge |
Badshabth [PM 172] Rank : SMS ExperT Status : VIP |
#233 Perfect Line Written On Notice Board In A Sex Magazine’S Library “Please Hold The Magazines With Both Hands While Reading.” If You Got The Meaning , Hit Like |
Badshabth [PM 172] Rank : SMS ExperT Status : VIP |
#234 What Is The Most Sensitive Part Of The Body During Mas*urbation? Ans: Your Ears, Listening 4 Footsteps. Isn’T It |
Badshabth [PM 172] Rank : SMS ExperT Status : VIP |
#235 Boy And Girl Talking Boy: “Give Me A Blow Job.” Girl: “Can You Be More Romantic?” Boy: “Fine, Give Me A Blow Job In The Rain.“----------------- 1 ❤: Rohitk, |
Rohitk [PM 1460] Rank : Newbie Status : Member |
#236 ? नॉन वेज जोक्स ? ? हंसी नहीं रोक पाओगे ?? ? Just Uploaded ? |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#237 Some of these are brilliant ?? |
Imjoybro [PM 2099] Rank : Newbie Status : Member |
#238 Hahahahah excellent ones |
[PM 2104] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#239 haha, these are good |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#240 I told my wife to throw a dart at a world map and I’d take her wherever it lands... Turns out we’re spending 2 weeks behind the fridge!! Lol |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#241 Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today? Wife: He takes everything literally. I can’t stand it. Husband: My car. |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#242 I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#243 Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering ? |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#244 Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage? A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!Hi |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#245 My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me. |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#246 Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” Friend: “Why not?” Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.” |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#247 If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife is. |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#248 My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment... If you know you know ? lol |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#249 Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? He's trying to figure out the combination ? |
Nalsz [PM 2691] Rank : Newbie Status : Member |
#250 a wife is a two edged sword, she can make or ma her man |
Sourav112 [PM 2687] Rank : Newbie Status : Member |
#251 nice jokes hahahaha... |
KTSIKKA [PM 2229] Rank : Newbie Status : Member |
#252 अगर पति पत्नी साइकिल के दो पहिए की तरह होते हैं तो.. उसमें गर्लफ्रेंड को जोड़कर एक रिक्शा बना सकते हैं क्या......? ???? |
chriscrossy2k [PM 2251] Rank : Newbie Status : Member |
#253 Woman wen de fine pickin no de wear pant sleep for night |
jamwal [PM 1334] Rank : Newbie Status : Member |
#254 Wah wah Wah wah mza a gya |
Raj396 [PM 2374] Rank : Newbie Status : Member |
#255 इतना मीठा मीठा बोलती है पड़ोसन, कसम से शुगर हो गयी है..? वो तो शुक्र है बीवी का, कड़वा कड़वा बोल के बैलेंस करती है! ? |
Raj396 [PM 2374] Rank : Newbie Status : Member |
#256 कुछ महिलायें ??इतनी सीधी होती हैं की, : नमक, हल्दी और आलू ख़रीदने को भी ?शॉपिंग कहती हैं... |
gustrzo [PM 2266] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#257 I told my wife to throw a dart at a world map and I’d take her wherever it lands... Turns out we’re spending 2 weeks behind the fridge!! Lol |
[PM 3084] Rank : Junkie Status : Member |
#258 खरंच कलयुग आलय मायला.... मिञाच्या लग्नात जीव तोडुन नाचलो, आणि तो त्याच्या बाईकोला म्हणतो.... बेवडे आहेत हे सगळे ...।????????? |
[PM 3084] Rank : Junkie Status : Member |
#259 साला आज तक समझ नहीं आया.... एक पूरा दिन ?juta और Moja पहनो तो पैर गोरे हो जाते हैं.... ...पर साला जन्म से चड्डी पहनी लेकिन... ...उस्ताद 'काले के काले' ????? ???? |
[PM 3084] Rank : Junkie Status : Member |
#260 ?? ?? . छोटी चीज़े अक्सर गांड फाड देती हैं...?? आप पर्वत पर बैठ सकते हैं लेकिन सुई पर नहीं... .. -चाणक्याच्या मावशीचा मुलगा |
[PM 3084] Rank : Junkie Status : Member |
#261 उस वक़्त तो हवाओ ने भी रुख बदल दिया जब दो औरतो की लड़ाई में एक बोली लौड़ा ले ले मेरा....!! |
[PM 3084] Rank : Junkie Status : Member |
#262 Wife : अजी सुनते हो? आलमारी के उपर से वह बैग उतार देना! मेरा हाथ छोटा पड रहा है.. Husband : तो जबान से try कर ले.... वो तो बहुत लम्बी है .... ???? Husband ICU में है.... |
[PM 3084] Rank : Junkie Status : Member |
#263 Wife (लम्बे झगड़े के बाद) ? …अब वो ‘तीन जादुई शब्द’ बोलो.. Husband: I love u ? Wife : नहीं, ? ये नहीं । Husband : I like u ? Wife : फिर गलत ?? ये वे ‘तीन शब्द’ नही है। Husband : I miss u ? Wife : अब और गुस्सा मत दिलाओ मुझे…सही शब्द बोलो ??? Husband – “मेरी गलती थी” ??? ?????? Wife :YES |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#264 My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#265 Not a husband and wife but still a dad joke… How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#266 Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion ??? |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#267 Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life? Her: Awww... Yes!!! Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me ? |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#268 guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.” Lol |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#269 Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning. |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#270 Lady 1: "Why is your husband so punctual when returning home from work?" Lady 2: "I made a simple rule: sex will begin at 9pm sharp, whether he is there or not." |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#271 If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#272 A man comes home, finds his wife in bed with another man, and asks, “What is this?!?” The wife turns to her lover and says, “See, I told you he was stupid!” |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#273 A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?" The man replied, "Yes, I do." ?? |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#274 Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine. |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#275 Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#276 Q: Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card? A: The thief was spending less then his wife. |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#277 I've been in love with the same woman for 20 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#278 Q: My boyfriend is as beautiful as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein; what is his name? A: Frankenstein. |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#279 Man- What would you do if I won the lottery? Woman- Take half and leave! Man- Well, I won 20 bucks, here's 10, now get out! |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#280 Boyfriend: "ILY." Girlfriend: "Can you please say the words? It makes it better." Boyfriend: "I'm leaving yoU |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#281 A man admitted he lied on his income tax return: he listed himself as the head of the household! |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#282 Girlfriend: Darling, will you give me a ring on our wedding day? Boyfriend: Sure, what is your number? |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#283 Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#284 Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: Yes, but would you stay there? |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#285 Man: So what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#286 Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down. |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#287 I never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married but then it was too late. |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#288 My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. |
[PM 1950] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#289 What is the difference between your wife and your lover? 30 minutes. |
Conrad1234 [PM 989] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#290 very good one, thanks |
Flacko [PM 202] Rank : V.I.P Status : VIP |
#291 Anniversaries come and go but memories stay forever |
akirayadav843 [PM 4035] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#292 Hahahahhaha |
welchen123 [PM 3856] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#293 There are some nice jokes in here. Thank you guys! |
[PM 1332] Rank : Junkie Status : Member |
#294 ) पत्नी: “अभी सांस लेने की फुर्सत नहीं है कि तुम मेरी बाहों में हो”, इस गाने का अर्थ क्या है? पति: इस गाने का अर्थ है कि तुम्हारा वजन बहुत भारी है, और साँसें फूल जाती हैं…?? |
[PM 4128] Rank : Average Member Status : Member |
#295 A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you." The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?" She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!" |
seyiadams85 [PM 2464] Rank : Junkie Status : Member |
#296 Can a translator be included in these threads, can't read any thing other than English and feel like I'm missing out. |
vicmaugu [PM 3940] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#297 hahaha, these are dangerous if you know what i mean! |
seyiadams85 [PM 2464] Rank : Junkie Status : Member |
#298 Read most of them and would most definitely get in trouble if they happened to me |
Sisqonite [PM 1256] Rank : Junkie Status : Member |
#299 Try any of these at your own risk |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#300 Some really hilarious ones! |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#301 Sharing some of my own My husband and I were daydreaming about what we would do if we won the lottery. I started: “I’d hire a cook so that I could just say, ‘Hey, make me a sandwich!’” Thomas shook his head. “Not me. I already have one of those.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#302 As my wife and I prepared for our garage sale, I came across a painting. Looking at the back, I discovered that I had written “To my beautiful wife on our fifth anniversary. I love you … Keith.” Feeling nostalgic about a gift I’d given her 25 years earlier, I showed it to her, thinking we should rehang the picture. After gazing at my message for a few seconds, she replied, “You know, I think a black marker would cover over all that so that we could sell it.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#303 I was perusing the shelves at a bookstore when a customer asked an employee where the birding section was. After pointing it out, the employee asked, “Is there anything specific you’re looking for?” “Yes,” said the customer. “My husband.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#304 On my wedding day, my mom told my bride, “No refunds, no exchanges on sale items.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#305 My friend Garrick had the solution to forgetting his wife’s birthday and their wedding anniversary: He opened an account with a local florist and provided it with both dates as well as instructions to send flowers and a card signed “Your loving husband, Garrick.” For a few years, it worked. Then one day, Garrick came home on their wedding anniversary. He saw the flowers on the dining room table and said, “What nice flowers. Where did you get them?” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#306 A local lumberyard was having an open house, and my mother really wanted to go. Dad, though, had no interest. After badgering him with no luck, she finally said, “If you don’t go, I’ll be the only woman there.” Dad shrugged. “If I go, you’ll still be the only woman there.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#307 Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today? Wife: He takes everything literally. I can’t stand it. Husband: My truck. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#308 Spotted in the legal notices section of the Maryland-based Daily Times: Michael Ray Dipirro petitioned the circuit court to change his name to Michael Ray Forbes. His reason for doing so? “Ex-wife wants to keep my surname. She can have that too!” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#309 I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#310 My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#311 A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you." The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?" She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!" |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#312 I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. In the morning, my husband, who is bald, told me I patted his head for 30 minutes while repeating, “Go to sleep, baby.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#313 My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#314 When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. In response, my husband will smile sweetly, nod my way, and explain, “We both love me.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#315 Q: Why did the dead man divorce his dead wife? A: Because she was frigid. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#316 The graveside service had just ended when there was a frightening clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even louder thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and said calmly, “Well, she’s there.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#317 My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. "What?!" he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. "Turn over—you're snoring," I said. He did as instructed and while doing so muttered, "That's nothing; you should hear my wife snore." |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#318 A woman and her husband stop at a dentist’s office. “I need a tooth pulled right away,” she says. “Don’t bother with the Novocain; we’re in a hurry.” “Which tooth do you want pulled?” asks the dentist. The woman shoves her husband toward the dentist. “Go ahead, dear. Show him your tooth.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#319 A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: "Our food has arrived! Let's eat!" His wife reminded him: "Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!" Her husband replied: "That's at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook..." |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#320 Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer: Woman: "I need to buy some arsenic." Pharmacist:" Why do you need arsenic?" Woman: "I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband." Pharmacist: "WHAT?" Woman: "You heard me! I want to kill my husband!" Pharmacist: "Why on earth would you want to do that?" Woman: "Because he's having an affair with YOUR wife!!!" Pharmacist: "Well why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?" |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#321 Q: What did the cannibal's wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner? A: She gave him the cold shoulder. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#322 A police officer in a small town stopped a driver speeding down the main street. The driver said he could explain why he was speeding, but the police officer said he was going to put him in jail until the Chief got back, but lucky for the driver that the chief will be in a good mood because he is at his daughter's wedding. The driver said, "Don't count on it. I'm the groom." |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#323 As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties, and the marital counselor said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor." |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#324 One night, a dieting woman made a cake for the church potluck. Temptation got the best of her, and she ate it—all of it. Embarrassed, she then made a second cake. Her husband never suspected a thing—especially since she ate a piece out of the second cake too. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#325 Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#326 Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?" Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her." |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#327 My sister Tina was telling her husband, Kay, about a wonderful program she had watched on TV. The show gave a national award to heroic people who put themselves in grave danger to help out someone they hardly knew. Kay replied, “That sounds a lot like getting married.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#328 Q: If love is "grand," what is divorce? A: A hundred grand, or more. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#329 Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage? A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener! |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#330 My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#331 Son: What's the difference between love and marriage? Father: Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#332 If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#333 Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” Friend: “Why not?” Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#334 Wife: Do you want dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and no. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#335 Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her. Father: Son, that's true everywhere. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#336 This man was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular website. The ad said, simply: "Wife wanted." He was surprised the next morning to find he had over a hundred replies in his inbox. Unfortunately, they all said the same thing: "You can have mine." |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#337 Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Sadly, bigamy is against the law. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#338 If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife is. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#339 A retired rancher decided to go back to school. He made an appointment with the dean of admissions at a university. The dean asked him, “Are you pursuing a bachelor’s degree?” The rancher replied, “I want to, but I can’t. I’m still married.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#340 The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?” My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …” The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#341 The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.” My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#342 A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor... A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#343 A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#344 I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” --------- Post edited by - lolutan9999 |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#345 A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?” The man yells, “Today’s the day!” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#346 After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.” Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#347 My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! You’re constipated!” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#348 After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#349 A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years. “Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked. “Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#350 A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.” “Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband. “It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.” --------- Post edited by - lolutan9999 |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#351 Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She answered, “I do.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#352 Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#353 On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.” She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.” Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#354 My husband is infantry, and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him: • The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day. • I could have as many babies as I want because giving birth is free. • He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone. --------- Post edited by - lolutan9999 |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#355 My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#356 After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#357 When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.” My father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.” “And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.” “Two thousand.” “We’ll need a photographer. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?” “Five thousand!” We eloped to Spain. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#358 My young son declared, “When I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.” “You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister. “Then I’ll marry you.” “You can’t marry me either.” He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.” “You mean I have to marry a total stranger?!” he cried. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#359 A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!” The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#360 My client buys many rental properties, not always with the enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. “The real estate agent and I are having an affair,” he answered. “Oh, thank God,” she said. “I thought she was selling you another house.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#361 My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman. “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?” “A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#362 As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#363 Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#364 I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#365 A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.” “Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal. He replies, “Two weeks.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#366 When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#367 A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#368 On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?” “Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled The Meaning of Dreams. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#369 As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit. I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher. “What are you doing?” she asked. “I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him.” Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#370 Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?” “Not really,” I replied. “Did you marry him for his money?” “Definitely not,” I laughed. “He didn’t have any.” “So,” he said, “you just felt sorry for him.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#371 My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status "I'm getting a divorce," he was the first one to click Like. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#372 Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? A: He's trying to figure out the combination. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#373 During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, "You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don't think I could ever marry again." Her friend nodded sympathetically. "I know what you mean," she said. "Once is enough." |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#374 Overheard at my garden-club meeting: "I never knew what compost was until I met my husband." |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#375 I identify with football players because I know what it's like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring. |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#376 Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls. "Your wife must like rolls," he said. "How do you know these are for my wife?" I asked. "Because your mother wouldn't send you out in weather like this." |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#377 A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?” “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.” The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.” |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#378 For a romantic touch, I washed our sheets with lavender-scented detergent. When my husband got into bed, he sniffed. "What's this?" he asked. "Guess," I said coyly. "I have no idea," he said. "It smells like the stuff you use to line the hamster's cage." |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#379 Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee. As I'd hoped, I got a reaction from my husband. When he saw me, he shouted, "Are those potato chips?" |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#380 After we had lunch with another couple, the women went shopping, and the men opted to go sailing. Bad decision—a storm blew in while we men were out on the water. Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had to climb overboard and shove it back into deep water. As my friend stood there—ankles deep in muck, muscles straining against the weight of the boat, and rain pelting his face—he grinned broadly and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping!" |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#381 It may have been the most romantic statement ever uttered in our courthouse. In between hearings, a wedding was performed. As the newlyweds left the courtroom, the bride nestled up to the groom and cooed, "Isn't it nice to be here when we're not being convicted of something?" |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#382 After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. "You’re running around with another woman— admit it!" she demanded. "What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You’re it!" That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest. "What are you doing?" "Counting your ribs." |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#383 A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit. "It’s not going to work for me," he said, panicked. "Why not?" I asked. "Because I use my Guard pay for spending money." "So?" "For the past ten years, I’ve been telling my wife that I serve for free!" |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#384 On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough. "Kids," he said over the din, "if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me." Our six-year-old shot back: "Too late, I already got you another present." --------- Post edited by - lolutan9999 |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#385 I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother. "Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t." |
lolutan9999 [PM 2713] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#386 As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, "After this, you can't have sex for at least three days." "Did you hear that?" she asked her husband. "No sex for three days." "I heard," he said. "But she was speaking to you." |
Person1234 [PM 3836] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#387 Wife: (Looking at herself in the mirror) I look fat. I need you to compliment me. Husband: Your eyesight is impeccable. |
Dearpbaaq [PM 4415] Rank : Newbie Status : Member |
#388 Good one |
Person1234 [PM 3836] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#389 Wife: I love you. Husband: Is that you talking or the wine? Wife: It’s me talking to the wine |
Person1234 [PM 3836] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#390 My wife prefers to take the stairs, but I prefer the elevator. I guess we were just raised differently. |
Person1234 [PM 3836] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#391 The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once |
Person1234 [PM 3836] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#392 Marriage is a three ring circus. An engagement ring, a wedding ring and suffering |
Person1234 [PM 3836] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#393 You know you are getting old when your wife says “Lets run upstairs and make love” and you say “I cant do both” |
[PM 4128] Rank : Average Member Status : Member |
#394 पति- इस महीने में तुम्हें और पैसे नहीं दूंगा. पत्नी- आप बस मुझे 500 रुपए उधार दे दीजिए..आप की तनख्वा मिलने पर मैं आपको पैसे वापस कर दूंगी. |
[PM 4128] Rank : Average Member Status : Member |
#395 . I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm. She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work. |
[PM 4128] Rank : Average Member Status : Member |
#396 When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. In response, my husband will... |
vicmaugu [PM 3940] Rank : Junior Member Status : Member |
#397 haha so funny but truth |
[PM 4128] Rank : Average Member Status : Member |
#398 पति - मेरा अंदाजा यह कह रहा है कि इस डिब्बे में कोई खाने की चीज है...! . . . पत्नी - अरे वाह मेरे पति परमेश्वर, आपने बिल्कुल सही अंदाजा लगाया, इसमें मेरी नई सैंडल है...! |
[PM 4128] Rank : Average Member Status : Member |
#399 पति - मेरा अंदाजा यह कह रहा है कि इस डिब्बे में कोई खाने की चीज है...! . . . पत्नी - अरे वाह मेरे पति परमेश्वर, आपने बिल्कुल सही अंदाजा लगाया, इसमें मेरी नई सैंडल है...! |
[PM 4128] Rank : Average Member Status : Member |
#400 I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? |
[PM 4128] Rank : Average Member Status : Member |
#401 रविवार को तो छुट्टी होती है मेहमान : बेटा तुम्हारा जन्म किस दिन हुआ था . बेटा : फ्राइडे को और आपका मेहमान : सन्डे को बेटा : आप झूठ बोल रहे हो सन्डे को तो छुट्टी होती है … |
[PM 4128] Rank : Average Member Status : Member |
#402 रविवार को तो छुट्टी होती है मेहमान : बेटा तुम्हारा जन्म किस दिन हुआ था . बेटा : फ्राइडे को और आपका मेहमान : सन्डे को बेटा : आप झूठ बोल रहे हो सन्डे को तो छुट्टी होती है … |
Gaurav4u [PM 1756] Rank : Junkie Status : Member |
#403 Nice thread |
[PM 4128] Rank : Average Member Status : Member |
#404 Husband: I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end. Friend: Wow, that’s really impressive! What did she say?! Husband: “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!” |
SXZION [PM 1262] Rank : Newbie Status : Member |
#405 पत्नी: बाजार से दूध का एक पैकेट ले आना! और हां, अगर बाजार में अंडे दिखें तो 6 ले आना। पति: 6 पैकट दूध ले आया! पत्नी: 6 पैकेट दूध? पति: हां 6 पैकेट ही लाया हूं क्योंकि बाजार मे अंडे दिख गए थे! |
kuma_rraj1234 [PM 3758] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#406 पत्नी- मैं तो तंग आ गई हूं इस आदमी से, कोई काम ठीक से नहीं कर सकता... पति- अरे, अब क्या कर दिया मैंने? . . . . . पत्नी- ये कल तुमने कैसा गैस सिलिंडर लगाया है, दो बार दूध गर्म किया और दोनों बार ही फट गया। |
Casanova [PM 1932] Rank : Newbie Status : Member |
#407 पत्नी- उठो सुबह हो गई, पति-आंखें नहीं खुल रही हैं, ऐसा कुछ बोलो कि नींद गायब हो जाए। पन्नी- रात में जिस जानू से चैट कर रहे थे, वो मेरी दूसरी ID है, अब बेचारे पति को 3 दिन से नींद नहीं आ रही है। |
Casanova [PM 1932] Rank : Newbie Status : Member |
#408 शक्की पत्नी का शक दूर करने के लिए, पति ने दाढ़ी रख ली, पूजा, पाठ करने लगा और गीता, रामायण भी पढ़ने लगा..!! गरीबों की मदद करने लगा सारे ग़लत काम छोड़ दिये और प्रभु की भक्ति में लग गया..!! अब पत्नी फ़ोन पर , अपने पति के बारे में सहेली को बता रही थी:- ” कमीना अब स्वर्ग की अप्सराओं के चक्कर में लगा हुआ है..!! “ |
Casanova [PM 1932] Rank : Newbie Status : Member |
#409 पति – आज खाना क्यों नहीं बनाया? पत्नी – गिर गई थी लग गई…. पति – कहाँ गिर गई थी और क्या लग गई थी ? पत्नी : तकिये पर गिर गई थी और आँख लग गई थी। |
vickydoye [PM 5480] Rank : Newbie Status : Member |
#410 Wife: If you keep losing your hair at this speed, I shall divorce you. Husband: Oh my God! And I was stupid enough trying to save them! |
sneakyghost [PM 5687] Rank : V.I.P Status : VIP |
#411 I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. In the morning, my husband, who is bald, told me I patted his head for 30 minutes while repeating, “Go to. |
Ginfoid [PM 5792] Rank : Newbie Status : Member |
#412 Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?" Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her." |
Jhslloo2 [PM 6345] Rank : Beginner Status : Member |
#413 Q: If love is “grand,” what is divorce? A: A hundred grand, or more. |
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