[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#281
A man admitted he lied on his income tax return: he listed himself as the head of the household!
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#282
Girlfriend: Darling, will you give me a ring on our wedding day?
Boyfriend: Sure, what is your number?
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#283
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#284
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#285
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#286
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#287
I never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married but then it was too late.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#288
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#289
What is the difference between your wife and your lover? 30 minutes.
[PM 989]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#290
very good one, thanks
[PM 202]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#291
Anniversaries come and go but memories stay forever
[PM 4035]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#292
Hahahahhaha
[PM 3856]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#293
There are some nice jokes in here. Thank you guys!
[PM 1332]
Rank : Junkie
Status : Member
#294
)
पत्नी: “अभी सांस लेने की फुर्सत नहीं है कि तुम मेरी बाहों में हो”, इस गाने का अर्थ क्या है?
पति: इस गाने का अर्थ है कि तुम्हारा वजन बहुत भारी है, और साँसें फूल जाती हैं…??
[PM 4128]
Rank : Average Member
Status : Member
#295
A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you." The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?" She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!"
[PM 2464]
Rank : Junkie
Status : Member
#296
Can a translator be included in these threads, can't read any thing other than English and feel like I'm missing out.
[PM 3940]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#297
hahaha, these are dangerous if you know what i mean!
[PM 2464]
Rank : Junkie
Status : Member
#298
Read most of them and would most definitely get in trouble if they happened to me
[PM 1256]
Rank : Junkie
Status : Member
#299
Try any of these at your own risk
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#300
Some really hilarious ones!
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#301
Sharing some of my own
My husband and I were daydreaming about what we would do if we won the lottery. I started: “I’d hire a cook so that I could just say, ‘Hey, make me a sandwich!’” Thomas shook his head. “Not me. I already have one of those.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#302
As my wife and I prepared for our garage sale, I came across a painting. Looking at the back, I discovered that I had written “To my beautiful wife on our fifth anniversary. I love you … Keith.” Feeling nostalgic about a gift I’d given her 25 years earlier, I showed it to her, thinking we should rehang the picture. After gazing at my message for a few seconds, she replied, “You know, I think a black marker would cover over all that so that we could sell it.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#303
I was perusing the shelves at a bookstore when a customer asked an employee where the birding section was. After pointing it out, the employee asked, “Is there anything specific you’re looking for?” “Yes,” said the customer. “My husband.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#304
On my wedding day, my mom told my bride, “No refunds, no exchanges on sale items.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#305
My friend Garrick had the solution to forgetting his wife’s birthday and their wedding anniversary: He opened an account with a local florist and provided it with both dates as well as instructions to send flowers and a card signed “Your loving husband, Garrick.” For a few years, it worked. Then one day, Garrick came home on their wedding anniversary. He saw the flowers on the dining room table and said, “What nice flowers. Where did you get them?”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#306
A local lumberyard was having an open house, and my mother really wanted to go. Dad, though, had no interest. After badgering him with no luck, she finally said, “If you don’t go, I’ll be the only woman there.” Dad shrugged. “If I go, you’ll still be the only woman there.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#307
Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today? Wife: He takes everything literally. I can’t stand it. Husband: My truck.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#308
Spotted in the legal notices section of the Maryland-based Daily Times: Michael Ray Dipirro petitioned the circuit court to change his name to Michael Ray Forbes. His reason for doing so? “Ex-wife wants to keep my surname. She can have that too!”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#309
I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#310
My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#311
A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you." The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?" She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!"
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#312
I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. In the morning, my husband, who is bald, told me I patted his head for 30 minutes while repeating, “Go to sleep, baby.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#313
My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#314
When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. In response, my husband will smile sweetly, nod my way, and explain, “We both love me.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#315
Q: Why did the dead man divorce his dead wife? A: Because she was frigid.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#316
The graveside service had just ended when there was a frightening clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even louder thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and said calmly, “Well, she’s there.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#317
My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. "What?!" he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. "Turn over—you're snoring," I said. He did as instructed and while doing so muttered, "That's nothing; you should hear my wife snore."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#318
A woman and her husband stop at a dentist’s office. “I need a tooth pulled right away,” she says. “Don’t bother with the Novocain; we’re in a hurry.” “Which tooth do you want pulled?” asks the dentist. The woman shoves her husband toward the dentist. “Go ahead, dear. Show him your tooth.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#319
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: "Our food has arrived! Let's eat!" His wife reminded him: "Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!" Her husband replied: "That's at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook..."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#320
Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer: Woman: "I need to buy some arsenic." Pharmacist:" Why do you need arsenic?" Woman: "I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband." Pharmacist: "WHAT?" Woman: "You heard me! I want to kill my husband!" Pharmacist: "Why on earth would you want to do that?" Woman: "Because he's having an affair with YOUR wife!!!" Pharmacist: "Well why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#321
Q: What did the cannibal's wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner? A: She gave him the cold shoulder.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#322
A police officer in a small town stopped a driver speeding down the main street. The driver said he could explain why he was speeding, but the police officer said he was going to put him in jail until the Chief got back, but lucky for the driver that the chief will be in a good mood because he is at his daughter's wedding. The driver said, "Don't count on it. I'm the groom."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#323
As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties, and the marital counselor said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#324
One night, a dieting woman made a cake for the church potluck. Temptation got the best of her, and she ate it—all of it. Embarrassed, she then made a second cake. Her husband never suspected a thing—especially since she ate a piece out of the second cake too.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#325
Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#326
Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?" Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#327
My sister Tina was telling her husband, Kay, about a wonderful program she had watched on TV. The show gave a national award to heroic people who put themselves in grave danger to help out someone they hardly knew. Kay replied, “That sounds a lot like getting married.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#328
Q: If love is "grand," what is divorce? A: A hundred grand, or more.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#329
Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage? A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#330
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#331
Son: What's the difference between love and marriage? Father: Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#332
If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#333
Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” Friend: “Why not?” Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#334
Wife: Do you want dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and no.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#335
Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her. Father: Son, that's true everywhere.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#336
This man was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular website. The ad said, simply: "Wife wanted." He was surprised the next morning to find he had over a hundred replies in his inbox. Unfortunately, they all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#337
Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Sadly, bigamy is against the law.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#338
If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife is.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#339
A retired rancher decided to go back to school. He made an appointment with the dean of admissions at a university.
The dean asked him, “Are you pursuing a bachelor’s degree?” The rancher replied, “I want to, but I can’t. I’m still married.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#340
The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?” My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …” The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#341
The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.” My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#342
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor... A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#343
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#344
I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
--------- Post edited by - lolutan9999
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#345
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?” The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#346
After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.” Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#347
My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! You’re constipated!”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#348
After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#349
A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years. “Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked. “Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#350
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.” “Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband. “It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”
--------- Post edited by - lolutan9999
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#351
Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She answered, “I do.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#352
Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#353
On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.” She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.” Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#354
My husband is infantry, and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him: • The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day. • I could have as many babies as I want because giving birth is free. • He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone.
--------- Post edited by - lolutan9999
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#355
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#356
After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#357
When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.” My father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.” “And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.” “Two thousand.” “We’ll need a photographer. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?” “Five thousand!” We eloped to Spain.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#358
My young son declared, “When I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.” “You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister. “Then I’ll marry you.” “You can’t marry me either.” He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.” “You mean I have to marry a total stranger?!” he cried.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#359
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!” The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#360
My client buys many rental properties, not always with the enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. “The real estate agent and I are having an affair,” he answered. “Oh, thank God,” she said. “I thought she was selling you another house.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#361
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman. “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?” “A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#362
As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#363
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#364
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#365
A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.” “Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal. He replies, “Two weeks.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#366
When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#367
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#368
On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?” “Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#369
As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit. I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher. “What are you doing?” she asked. “I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him.” Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#370
Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?” “Not really,” I replied. “Did you marry him for his money?” “Definitely not,” I laughed. “He didn’t have any.” “So,” he said, “you just felt sorry for him.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#371
My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status "I'm getting a divorce," he was the first one to click Like.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#372
Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? A: He's trying to figure out the combination.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#373
During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, "You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don't think I could ever marry again." Her friend nodded sympathetically. "I know what you mean," she said. "Once is enough."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#374
Overheard at my garden-club meeting: "I never knew what compost was until I met my husband."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#375
I identify with football players because I know what it's like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#376
Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls. "Your wife must like rolls," he said. "How do you know these are for my wife?" I asked. "Because your mother wouldn't send you out in weather like this."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#377
A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?” “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.” The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#378
For a romantic touch, I washed our sheets with lavender-scented detergent. When my husband got into bed, he sniffed. "What's this?" he asked.
"Guess," I said coyly.
"I have no idea," he said. "It smells like the stuff you use to line the hamster's cage."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#379
Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.
As I'd hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.
When he saw me, he shouted, "Are those potato chips?"
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#380
After we had lunch with another couple, the women went shopping, and the men opted to go sailing. Bad decision—a storm blew in while we men were out on the water.
Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had to climb overboard and shove it back into deep water.
As my friend stood there—ankles deep in muck, muscles straining against the weight of the boat, and rain pelting his face—he grinned broadly and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping!"
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#381
It may have been the most romantic statement ever uttered in our courthouse. In between hearings, a wedding was performed. As the newlyweds left the courtroom, the bride nestled up to the groom and cooed, "Isn't it nice to be here when we're not being convicted of something?"
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#382
After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
"You’re running around with another woman— admit it!" she demanded.
"What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You’re it!"
That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.
"What are you doing?"
"Counting your ribs."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#383
A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit.
"It’s not going to work for me," he said, panicked.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because I use my Guard pay for spending money."
"So?"
"For the past ten years, I’ve been telling my wife that I serve for free!"
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#384
On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough.
"Kids," he said over the din, "if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me."
Our six-year-old shot back: "Too late, I already got you another present."
--------- Post edited by - lolutan9999
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#385
I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.
"Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#386
As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, "After this, you can't have sex for at least three days."
"Did you hear that?" she asked her husband. "No sex for three days."
"I heard," he said. "But she was speaking to you."
[PM 3836]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#387
Wife: (Looking at herself in the mirror) I look fat. I need you to compliment me.
Husband: Your eyesight is impeccable.
[PM 4415]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#388
Good one
[PM 3836]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#389
Wife: I love you.
Husband: Is that you talking or the wine?
Wife: It’s me talking to the wine
[PM 3836]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#390
My wife prefers to take the stairs, but I prefer the elevator.
I guess we were just raised differently.
[PM 3836]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#391
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once
[PM 3836]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#392
Marriage is a three ring circus.
An engagement ring, a wedding ring and suffering
[PM 3836]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#393
You know you are getting old when your wife says “Lets run upstairs and make love” and you say “I cant do both”
[PM 4128]
Rank : Average Member
Status : Member
#394
पति- इस महीने में तुम्हें और पैसे नहीं दूंगा. पत्नी- आप बस मुझे 500 रुपए उधार दे दीजिए..आप की तनख्वा मिलने पर मैं आपको पैसे वापस कर दूंगी.
[PM 4128]
Rank : Average Member
Status : Member
#395
. I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.
She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.
[PM 4128]
Rank : Average Member
Status : Member
#396
When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. In response, my husband will...
[PM 3940]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#397
haha so funny but truth
[PM 4128]
Rank : Average Member
Status : Member
#398
पति - मेरा अंदाजा यह कह रहा है कि इस डिब्बे में कोई खाने की चीज है...!
.
.
.
पत्नी - अरे वाह मेरे पति परमेश्वर, आपने बिल्कुल सही अंदाजा लगाया, इसमें मेरी नई सैंडल है...!
[PM 4128]
Rank : Average Member
Status : Member
#399
पति - मेरा अंदाजा यह कह रहा है कि इस डिब्बे में कोई खाने की चीज है...!
.
.
.
पत्नी - अरे वाह मेरे पति परमेश्वर, आपने बिल्कुल सही अंदाजा लगाया, इसमें मेरी नई सैंडल है...!
[PM 4128]
Rank : Average Member
Status : Member
#400
I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
[PM 4128]
Rank : Average Member
Status : Member
#401
रविवार को तो छुट्टी होती है
मेहमान : बेटा तुम्हारा जन्म किस दिन हुआ था .
बेटा : फ्राइडे को और आपका
मेहमान : सन्डे को
बेटा : आप झूठ बोल रहे हो सन्डे को तो छुट्टी होती है …
[PM 4128]
Rank : Average Member
Status : Member
#402
रविवार को तो छुट्टी होती है
मेहमान : बेटा तुम्हारा जन्म किस दिन हुआ था .
बेटा : फ्राइडे को और आपका
मेहमान : सन्डे को
बेटा : आप झूठ बोल रहे हो सन्डे को तो छुट्टी होती है …
[PM 1756]
Rank : Junkie
Status : Member
#403
Nice thread
[PM 4128]
Rank : Average Member
Status : Member
#404
Husband: I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.
Friend: Wow, that’s really impressive! What did she say?!
Husband: “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!”
[PM 1262]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#405
पत्नी: बाजार से दूध का एक पैकेट ले आना!
और हां, अगर बाजार में अंडे दिखें तो 6 ले आना।
पति: 6 पैकट दूध ले आया!
पत्नी: 6 पैकेट दूध?
पति: हां 6 पैकेट ही लाया हूं क्योंकि बाजार मे अंडे दिख गए थे!
[PM 3758]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#406
पत्नी- मैं तो तंग आ गई हूं इस आदमी से, कोई काम ठीक से नहीं कर सकता...
पति- अरे, अब क्या कर दिया मैंने?
.
.
.
.
.
पत्नी- ये कल तुमने कैसा गैस सिलिंडर लगाया है, दो बार दूध गर्म किया और दोनों बार ही फट गया।
[PM 1932]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#407
पत्नी- उठो सुबह हो गई,
पति-आंखें नहीं खुल रही हैं, ऐसा
कुछ बोलो कि नींद गायब हो जाए।
पन्नी- रात में जिस जानू से चैट कर
रहे थे, वो मेरी दूसरी ID है,
अब बेचारे पति को 3 दिन से नींद
नहीं आ रही है।
[PM 1932]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#408
शक्की पत्नी का शक दूर करने के लिए,
पति ने दाढ़ी रख ली, पूजा, पाठ करने
लगा और गीता, रामायण भी पढ़ने
लगा..!!
गरीबों की मदद करने लगा
सारे ग़लत काम छोड़ दिये और प्रभु की
भक्ति में लग गया..!!
अब पत्नी फ़ोन पर , अपने पति के बारे
में सहेली को बता रही थी:- ” कमीना
अब स्वर्ग की अप्सराओं के चक्कर में
लगा हुआ है..!! “
[PM 1932]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#409
पति – आज खाना क्यों नहीं बनाया?
पत्नी – गिर गई थी लग गई….
पति – कहाँ गिर गई थी और क्या लग गई थी ?
पत्नी : तकिये पर गिर गई थी
और आँख लग गई थी।
[PM 5480]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#410
Wife: If you keep losing your hair at this speed, I shall divorce you.
Husband: Oh my God! And I was stupid enough trying to save them!
[PM 5687]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#411
I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. In the morning, my husband, who is bald, told me I patted his head for 30 minutes while repeating, “Go to.
[PM 5792]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#412
Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?" Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."
[PM 6345]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#413
Q: If love is “grand,” what is divorce? A: A hundred grand, or more.