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#1
Husband and Wife Jokes 
Hello Guys here I will be posting Husband and Wife Jokes. You can also contribute to this thread by sharing more and more funny jokes !! -----------------thread sticked by-Crash_TV_
-----------------5 ❤:
Mr.Love,Rockstar,savorzle,Conrad1234,vickydoye,
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#2
Laughing at your own mistakes
can lengthen your life.
-Shakespeare
Laughing at your wife’s mistakes
can shorten your life.
– Shakespeare’s wife
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#3
Aik Aadmi Ka Hont Jala Howa Tha
Kesi ny Phocha Keyu Bhae Ya Hont
Kese Jal Gaya.
Aadmi ny Kaha Bus Keya Batao
Tere Bhabhi Maiky Jarahi Thi,
Us Ko Chorny Station Gaya Tha,
Bus Jese Hi Train ny Horn Bajaya
Main Ny Khushi Mein Train Ka Engine Choom Lea
-----------------1 ❤:
vickydoye,
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#4
Aik Aadmi Ny Apni Biwi K Pas
Snake Betha Dekha or Bola:
Das Ly! Das Ly!
Snake: Kiya Das Lon!
Main To Khud En Sy Zehar Easy
Load Krwany Aya Hn.
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#5
Suhaag raat ki pehli subah
Dulha ne Dulhan say pucha raat ko kaisa feel kiya
Dulhan ne muskaratay huway jawab diya app ne to
college ke dinoon ki yaad taza kerdi.
-----------------1 ❤:
Aadil,
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#6
Dear future Husband,
I promise to be fiercely
loyal to you until the day I die.
Love, your future Wife.
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#7
Biwi: Mere Shrafat Dekho,
Main ny Tumhein Begair Dekhy Shaadi Kr li.
Shohar: Or Meri Shrafat Dekho,
Main ny Dekh Kr Bhi Inkar Nahi Keya.
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#8
a Khud Mere Shoar Ko Tarakki De
Daulat De
Bangla De
Mujhe Khuchh Nahi Chahiye..
Tu Sab Mere Shohar Ko De
.
.
.
.
Baki…
Unse Lena mera Kaam Hai,,
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#9
Husband & Wife 1 plate mein pani puri
kha rahe thy, 1 Dosare ki aankho me
aankhe dal k..
Wife(pyar sy): Aaise keya dekh rahe ho
Husband: Thora aaram sy kha mere baari
hi nahi aa rahe!!
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#10
Some women are sooo concerned
about their husband’s happiness.
that they hire detectives to find
out who is responsible for it.
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#11
Achi wife or churail aik
jesi hoti hain keyu k en
ki batein to sub krtein
hain, Lekin aj tak dekhi
kesi ny nahi.
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#12
Police:
Tum ny aik he shop me
3 din musalsal chori ki.
Chor:
Main ny sirf 1 din apni
biwi k leay suit chori
keya tha, Agly 2 din to
main color change kerny
gaya tha.
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#13
Meya Biwi mein jhagra hogya to Biwi ny apni Maa ko phone keya
Mera Un sy jhagra hogaya hai, Main 3,4 month k leay ap ki terf
arahe hon.
Maa Boli: Jhagra us kambakhat ny keya saza bhi usy hi milni chaheay
“To Ruk beti main ati hon 5,6 month k leay.”
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#14
Husband: Mere ami arahe hai kuch bana lo.
Wife ny Moo bana lea.
Kuch din bad biwi ki ami bhi agae.
Wife: Please ami k leay bahir sy kuch ly ao.
Husband: Bahir ja riksha ly aya. ?
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#15
Money has different names!!
In school it’s called (fees)
In marriage it’s called (dowry)
In divorce (alimony)
Civil servant retires (pension)
Master to subordinates (wages)
To kidnappers (ransom)
illegally received in the name of service (bribe)
The question is “When husband gives it to his wife
what do we call it?”
Answer: _________
send it to you friends get funny Answer from friends
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#16
Wife: Angrily, I wish I was your Newspaper,
So I would be in your Hands in Morning and
all day.
Husband: I also wish that you were my Newspaper,
So everyday I could have new one.
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#17
BV:
Tum tou kehte thay k Shaadi k baad b mujhe bohat pyar karo ge
Sohar:
Tou Mujhe kya pata tha k tumhari shaadi mujh se hi h jaye gi..!!
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#18
Husband: Jab mai
Tumse larta hu tab
tum apna gussa kispe
nikalti ho ??
.
Wife: toilet saaf karke
.
Husband: Hahahaha
bewkoof aurat vo
kaise?
.
.
Wife: Toilet aapke
toothbrush se saaf
karti hu…
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#19
Kesi ny aik Shadi shuda Shakhs sy Phocha:
Ap Shadi sy pehle Keya krty thy?
Us ki ankhon mein ansu aagy or bola: Jo mera dil krta tha. ?
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#20
Never underestimate the power of 3 things:
1. Wife angry for a reason.
2. Wife angry without reason.
3. Wife about to get angry and looking for a reason!
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#21
A successful man is one who makes
more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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#22
Wife: I saw in my dream that you were buying
a diamond ring for me.
Husband: I saw your dad paying the bill.
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#23
My wife doesn’t mind me flirting with other women.
She finds their rejection quite entertaining!
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#24
When a woman says “What?”, it’s not because she didn’t hear you.
She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
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#25
Wife : I will die.
Husband : I will also die.
Wife : why do u want to die?
Husband : because main itni khushi bardasht nahi kar sakta.
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#26
Million Dollar Question:
.
If U don’t like ur Husband,
why don’t u just leave him & go ??
.
Answer from wife:
I don’t like doing anything
that will make him Happy..
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#27
Wife 2 Husband: Did u Have
any GirlFriend before marriage ?
Husband remains silent ?
Wife: what is D meaning of silence?
Husband: Wait.. let me count,,
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#28
If only in A Dream,
Let Us Join ToGETHer,
To Hold Each Other TiGhtly
And Bask In Our Love…
I Love YOu
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#29
Wife drinking WHISKEY,
asked”Tum kaun ho?”
.
.
.
Husband-“Pagal ho gayi ho kya? Apne
husband ko
bhool gayi?
.
.
.
.
“Wife:”Nasha har gum bhula deta hai
“Bhaisaab”..!!
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#30
Husband : Agar Mai marr gaya tohtum dusri
shaadi
karogi??
Wife : Nahin, Mai apni behen ke saath poori
zindagi
reh lungi
Wife : Agar Mai marr gayi toh tum dusri
shaadi
karoge??
Husband : Mai bhi tumari behen ke saath
poori
zindagi rehlunga ?
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#31
Aik admi Ki Biwi Mer Gae.
Risty-daron or Doston Ny Usy
Chup Kerany k Bad Phocha:
Tumhein Kuch Chaheay ?
Admi Bola: Ha Mera Laptop La
Dein.
Sub ny Phocha Us ka Keya Krna
Hai.
To Admi Bola Facebook per Apny
Status ko Single Krna Hai.
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#32
Biwi(Wife) Shohar(Husband) Sy: Sath Waly Gher
Mein Meya Biwi Ki Lerae Ho Rahe Hai, Ap Aik
Bar Jein.
Shohar(Husband): Main Aik Do Bar Gaya Tha Esi
Waja Sy Lerae Ho Rahe Hai.
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#33
Wife:ajji Sunta ho!
Ghr ma Namak Khatam ho Gaya ha,
Daal ma Kya dalu?
.
.
Husband
imag to hai hi nahi,Naya Colgate Active salt daal day,
usmay Namak ha
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#34
WIFE:
Tum Ne Kabhi Socha Hai K Meri
Shaadi Kisi Aur Se Ho Jaati To Kya
Hota?”
HUSBAND:
Nahi, Main ne kabhi Kisi
Ka Bura Nahi Socha.
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#35
Husband: Meri shirt ulti kr k press
krna..
Wife: thek hy
10 mint baad
Husband: shirt press kyn nhi ki abi
tk???
Wife: ulti hi nahi aa rhi….
Kill Kill
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#36
Biwi: Khana kha lia tum ny?
Shohar: Khana kha lia tum ny?
Biwi: Btao na
Shohar: Btao na
Biwi: Meri naqal?
Shohr: Meri naqal?
Bv: I Love u
Shohr: Han kha lia
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#37
A husband once complained
Dear Google,
Please stop behaving like my wife…
Will you please allow me to complete
the whole sentence before you start…?
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#38
“What a pleasant surprise.. You came home early”
Wife speaks so gladly.
I was forced to do it. I have to obey what my
boss told me to do. He ordered: “GO TO HELL”
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#39
When your wife
– worries about you,
– fights with you,
– looks for your attention for no reason,
– becomes jealous with you,
– shares her joy & sorrows with you, and
– pesters you with eat this and that,
do this and that,
it means SHE CARES.
• When she stops caring,
that’s when you should be worried.
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#40
Wife: U had lunch?
Husbnd : U had lunch?
Wife : Im asking u.
Husbnd : Im asking u.
Wife: U copying me?
Husbnd: U copying me?
Wife: Lets go shopping..
Husbnd: I had lunch.
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#41
A husband said this to his wife :
If Jannah was a flower♥
I would pick it for you♥
If Jannah was a bird♥
I would catch it for you♥
If Jannah was a house♥
I’d build it for you, but♥
Since Jannah is a place♥
no eye has ever seen♥
I make dua for Allah♥
to reserve it for you♥
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#42
Husband Ke Birthday Par Wife Ne
Puchha – Kya Gift Du?
.
.
.
.
Husband :- Tum Mujhe Pyar Karo,
Izzat Karo Aur Hamesha Mera Kehna
Maano.
.
.
.
Bas Yahi Kaafi Hai.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Wife:- ( Kuchh Der Sochne Ke Baad )
Nahi Nahi Main To GIFT Hi Dungi.
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#43
Husband (jalane k liye):
“Kal mere khawab me ek ladki aai thi
.
.
.
.
.
Wah kya ladki the
.
.
.
Wife: “Akeli aayi hogi.?? :/
.
.
.
Husband: “Tum ko kaise pata ?? :O
.
.
.
.
.
.
Wife: “Uska husband mere khwab me aaya tha ? :p
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#44
Husband:
Agar main mar gaya to tum kya karogi?
Wife:
Ummm…
Main phir apne bahen k sath rahugi…
Aur
Agar main mar gayi to tum
kya karoge?
Husband:
Main bhi tumhare bahen k
sath reh lunga!
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#45
B.v Phone pe:Kahan ho?
Husband :Ofce M Bzi Hu
Tum Kia Kar rahi ho?
.
Wife:KFC me Ap k pecha Bethi hu
or Bachay Poch Rhy ha Papa K Sath
Konsi Phuphou Bethi Hy?
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#46
Wife Sitaray Dekhte Hue Boli:
Batao Wo Konsi Cheez Hai
Jo Tum Roz Dekhtay Ho Lekin Torr Nahi Saktay?
Husband:
Tumhara mooh -.- …
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#47
Husband:
Me Tmhain Talaaq De kr
Dosri Shadi Kru Ga…
Wife:MGr Q.?
Husband:
Imran khan Ne kaha hai
Khush Haali K liye”Tabdeeli”Zauri
ha..
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#48
Husband Wife ki larai ho rahi thi,
Unka chota bacha b waha Betha Ta
.
Husband:tu Kutti
.
Wife:tu Kutta
,
,
Bacha masumiat se bola
or me “TOMI”
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#49
Dost: Biwi sy leraai khatam hoe?
2nd Dost: Ha Ghutny taik k Myre
Pass ae the
1st Dost: Yay hoe na mardo wali bat,
Us ny Ghutny taik k keya kaha?
2nd Dost: Yay he k
.
.
.
.
.
BED k Nechy sy nikal ao kuch
nae kaho ge
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#50
-On Wedding Night-
Husband to Wife:
Sb sy pyar sy rhna,
Sb ki Respect krna,
Mery parents ki care krna,
Hamesha Sach bolna,
Dusron ki madad krna,
Baron ka Ehtram
OR
Choton sy pyar Krna!
.
Wife bad sy Uthi
OR
Room Ka Darwaza khol kr
Boli:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sb Andar A jayn,
yahan Dars ho rha hy…
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#51
Ek Kaala husband Apni biwi
se bola
“Mera bacha pyara hona chahiye.”
Biwi:”Dekho ji choice is yours…..
Payara chaiye,ya hamara chahiye..?
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#52
A Man Gifted His wife a Diamond Necklace For
their Anniversary
and his Wife Didn’t speak to him f0r 6 Months..
Why…..??
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Yahi to Deal thi.:-p
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#53
Husband wife ko English sikha raha
tha.
Wife dopehar me husband se:
dinner lo Ji.
Husband Jahil ye dinner nahi lunch
hai.
Wife: Jahil tu, Tera baap, Tera Sara
khandan,
ye raat ka bacha hua khana
hai. ? ? =D
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#54
Wife: Btao Tmhe Main Kitni Achchi Lagti Hoon
Husband : Bahut Zyada
Wife : Phir Bhi Kitni
Husbnd : Itni Ki Dil Chahta Hai Tumhari Jaisi 1 Aur Le Aaun.
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#55
After 15 years of marriage a wife asked her
husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly and then said: “A-B-C-D-E-F-
G-H-I-J-K”.
“What does that mean?” she asked.
“Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous, and Hot”
he replied. She smiled happily and then asked, “What about I-
J-K?”
He replied, “I’m Just Kidding!” .. Men will be men
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#56
Power Of Wife.:-P:-P
Shohar Biwi se: Ye kya tum 1 or suit ly aai?
Abi parso hi to..
Bv chilla kar boli:
Kya parso?
Bolo…
Bolo kya kaha tum ne?
Ruk kyn gaye ?
Kya parso,
parso kya,
bolo jaldi!
Jaldi bolo na,
Batao kya parso…?
Shohar: Kuch nahi, main bus ye keh rha
tha k parso b ek hi suit lai thi pagli,
aaj to 2 ly aati.
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#57
BV:
Kya Kr Rhy Ho?
SHOHR:
Makiyan Maar Rha Hun.
BV:
Kitni Maar Lin?
SHOHR:
3 Female,
Or2 Male.
BV:
Male FemaleKa KesyPata Chala?
SHOHR:
3 Sheshy K SamnyBeti Ti,
Or2 NaswarPar.
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#58
Patni-Me tumhare sapno me ati hoon
Pati-Nahi
Patni-Kyon nahi ?
Pati-Kyonki me hanuman chalisa padkar
sota hoon
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#59
Wife: Tum mujhe kitna pyar karte ho?
Pati: Shahjahan jitna.
Wife: Mere merne k bad Taj Mahal banaoge?
Pati: Maine to plot bhi le liya hai, tum hi der ker rahi ho
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#60
It is said that Husband is the head of D family,
But
Remember that wife is D Neck of D family.
& the Neck can turn the Head exactly D way she wants.
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#61
Wife:Main Mernay ja rahi hon,
Husband:Ye lo Dairy Milk.
Wife:Q?
Husband:Khudship K moqay per
khuch meetha ho jse:-)
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#62
1 Aadmi Bus Driver se:
Kitne Ghante Bus Me Rehte Ho?
BUS Driver:
24 Ghante.
Aadmi Herat Se:
Wo Kese?
BUS Driver:
12 Ghante Is BUS Me.
12 Ghante B.V K “BUS”Me.
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#63
Wife- If I Dismiss The Cook
‘n Make Food Myself For A Month,
What Will You Pay Me..?
Husband- I Won’t Have To Pay You,
You’ll Get My Entire Insurance Amount.. !
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#64
Boy : You Look Exactly Like My Wife….
Girl : Ohhh… What’s Your Wife’s Name?
Boy : I’m Not Married Yet… ?
Moral : Learn New Methods To Propose.. !
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#65
Define Checkmate:
When you tell Your Wife that
You saw a Lady on the Street who looked exactly Like Her
‘n
She Asks “WAS SHE HOT?
You can’t say NO or Yes…..
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#66
Love is Docomo, do the New.
Mariage is idea
can change Ur life
Wife is Hutch, where ever you go she folows
But
Frienship is Airtel 1atut bandhan
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#67
All Husbands are like Bluetooth….
Always connected when wife is around…
But
The moment wife is Away,
They Automatically start searching for the new Devices.. !!
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#68
Early to bed and early to rise,
Proves man has no interest in his Wife.
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#69
One million copies of a new book sold
In just 2 days due to typing error of 1 alphabet in title.
“An idea,that can change your WIFE”
While real word was(LIFE).
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#70
Husbad B.V se:
pani pilo do.
.
.
.
B.V Kya pyaas lagi hai?
.
.
.
Husbnd(Ghusse se):
“Nai”Gala waikhna
ae kidron”LEEK”te
nai.
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#71
Brain is very important part of body,
It is active 24 hours
.
.
365 days,
.
.
it starts working, when you born
and work till you
.
.
.
.
Get Married…
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#72
Ek Admi Ne Apni Wife Ko
Letter Likha Ke.
Begum is Month Salary Nahi
MiLi Salary ke Badle 100 Kiss
Bhej Raha Ho.
I LOVE U
Wife Ne Reply kiya:
Aapka Letter Mila Salary
ke Badle 100 KISS milay
16 Kiss Sabzi waLay ko diye
29 KISS school k principal ko
Diye.Doodh wala 7 kiss Pe Razi
Nahi Hua.
Usko 12 kiss Dene Paray
Malik Makan To KISS Pe Razi Hi
Nahi Hua THa USko kiss K Sath
Jhappi Bhi Deni Pari
Mahina Aram Se Guzar Gaya.
Dont Worry
I LOVE U 2..
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#73
Intelligent Wife
Bv:
Aapki Blue Shirt Mujh Se Jal Gayi
Husband :
Mere Paas Waisi Ek Aur Shirt H
Patni:
Pata Hai,
Maine Usme Se Kapda Kaat Ke Pehle
WaleMeLaga Diya Hai….
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#74
Best shopping:
Husband ne
paan khareed kr wife ko khanay k liye dia
Wife:
Ap ne apne liye Q nhi liya?
Husband:
main to waisay b khamosh reh sakta hoon
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#75
‘HUSBAND: AGR MERI LOTTERY NIKAL AAYE TO TM KYA KAROGI?
WIFE: MAIN AADHE PAISE LE KR TUMY CHHOR DUNGI..
HUSBAND: MERI 100 RS KI LOTTERY NIKLI HY
YE LO 50 OR DAFAA HO JAO…’
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#76
Admin:Meri Bv Bohat Achi
Hai,Mujhe sardi mai pani
Garam Kr K Deti Hai.
Dost:Nahane K Liye?
Admin:Nahi yar,Bartan Dhonay
K Liye….
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#77
‘Wife Kal apne phir apni
Secretary k sath movie dekhi?
Husband kya karein,darling
Aj kal ki movies family k sath
dekhny k qaabil kahan hain’
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#78
Ek admi ka hont jala hua tha.
Kisi ne pocha kese jala?
Admi bola:
wife maikay ja rahi thi.usko
chorrne station gaya tha khushi
main train ka Engine choom liye
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#79
Biwi ne shohar ko phone kiya: kahan hain aap?
Shohar: tumhain who jewellery shop yaad hai
jahan tumhain ek diamond ka set pasand aya tha?
Biwi (khush hote huye): haan haan mujhe yaad hai !!
Shohar: mein us ke saath wali shop mein baal
katwa raha hun.
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#80
Husband to wife:
Hypnotise karna kya
hota hai ?
Wife:
kisi ko apne
qaabu me kar k apni
marzi k kam karwana .
.
.
.
.
Husband:
chal jhooti usay to
shadi kehte hain
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#81
One spelling mistake can destroy your life!
A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to
add ‘e’ at the end of a word…
… “I am having such a wonderful time!
Wish you were her
[PM 273]
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#82
Wife-Main Marne ja
rahi hu.
Husband-Ye lo
“Dairy Milk”
Wife-Q?
Husband-Khushi k
moqay pe kuch meetha
hojaye.:-)
[PM 273]
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#83
Wife: Main ne suna hai ke jannat
main mardon ko hooren milen gi,
tou aurton ko kya milay ga?
Husband: Kuch naheen,
yeh offer sirf mazloomon
ke liye hai,
[PM 273]
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#84
Mard ki zindgi mein
” 3 Dolls ” ati hyn
1 uski Beti “Baby Doll”
2nd uski Girlfriend “Barbi Doll”
3rd us ki Bivi “Panadol” wo
bhi extra
[PM 273]
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#85
3 women. .
Topic: Husband se kam krwana.
American: mene Husband se kaha
k aynda khana tum pakao gay.
2nd day us ne kuch nhi kya
3rd day usne rost bana liya
German: mene husband se kaha
k aynda gehr ki safai tum kroge.
2nd day wo chup raha.
3rd day pura ghar saaf tha.
Pakistani: mene un se kaha k apne
kapre ap khud wash krein gay,
Aagle din mujhe kuch nazar na aaya
2nd day b kuch nazar na aya . .
3rd day aankh ki sujan kuch utri
tu thora nazar aya
[PM 273]
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#86
Shadi se pehle:
Hero NO.1
Shadi k bad:
Cooli NO.1
Shadi se pehle:
Main Ne pyar Kia.
Shadi k bad:
Ye MAin Ne kya kia.
Shadi se pehle:
Kahona peyar hy.
Shadi k bad:
Ye sb bekar hy
Shadi se phle:
Tum Bin Raha Na
Jae.
Shadi k bad:
Tum KO Saha Na
Jae.
Shadi se pehle:
Hum dil de choke
sanam.
Shadi k bad:
yeh kia kar
choke hain hum
Shadi se pehle:
I LOVE YOU
Shadi k bad:
I KILL U
Shadi se phle:
Milne Kab Aao
Gi.
Shadi k bad:
Mekay Kab Jao
GI.:-(
[PM 273]
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#87
Ek Shohar khubsurt tha
aur BV kali thi.
Shohar:
Hum dono Jannati hen
BV:Kesy?
Shohar:
Tm Mjhy dekh kr Shukr
ada krti ho
Or
M Tmhay Dek kr toba
krta hun;-).
[PM 273]
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#88
Biwi:Main mar jaon gi
Shohar:Main b mar jaon
ga
Biwi:Main to bemar hon
tum Qmaro gay?
.
.
Mujh sy itni khushi bardasht
nahi hogi..
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
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#89
You are here: DreamySMS >> Wife & Husband SMS
Biwi ne shohar ko phone kiya.,.,
Biwi ne shohar ko phone kiya: kahan hain aap?
Shohar: tumhain who jewellery shop yaad hai
jahan tumhain ek diamond ka set pasand aya tha?
Biwi (khush hote huye): haan haan mujhe yaad hai !!
Shohar: mein us ke saath wali shop mein baal
katwa raha hun.
Husband to wife:Hypnotise karna kya hota hai ?
Husband to wife:
Hypnotise karna kya
hota hai ?
Wife:
kisi ko apne
qaabu me kar k apni
marzi k kam karwana .
.
.
.
.
Husband:
chal jhooti usay to
shadi kehte hain
One spelling mistake can destroy your life!
One spelling mistake can destroy your life!
A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to
add ‘e’ at the end of a word…
… “I am having such a wonderful time!
Wish you were her
Wife-Main Marne ja rahi hu.
Wife-Main Marne ja
rahi hu.
Husband-Ye lo
“Dairy Milk”
Wife-Q?
Husband-Khushi k
moqay pe kuch meetha
hojaye.:-)
Wife: Main ne suna hai ke jannat
Wife: Main ne suna hai ke jannat
main mardon ko hooren milen gi,
tou aurton ko kya milay ga?
Husband: Kuch naheen,
yeh offer sirf mazloomon
ke liye hai,
Mard ki zindgi mein .,.,
Mard ki zindgi mein
” 3 Dolls ” ati hyn
1 uski Beti “Baby Doll”
2nd uski Girlfriend “Barbi Doll”
3rd us ki Bivi “Panadol” wo
bhi extra ?
3 women. .Topic:
3 women. .
Topic: Husband se kam krwana.
American: mene Husband se kaha
k aynda khana tum pakao gay.
2nd day us ne kuch nhi kya
3rd day usne rost bana liya
German: mene husband se kaha
k aynda gehr ki safai tum kroge.
2nd day wo chup raha.
3rd day pura ghar saaf tha.
Pakistani: mene un se kaha k apne
kapre ap khud wash krein gay,
Aagle din mujhe kuch nazar na aaya
2nd day b kuch nazar na aya . .
3rd day aankh ki sujan kuch utri
tu thora nazar aya ?
Shadi se pehle: Hero NO.1
Shadi se pehle:
Hero NO.1
Shadi k bad:
Cooli NO.1
Shadi se pehle:
Main Ne pyar Kia.
Shadi k bad:
Ye MAin Ne kya kia.
Shadi se pehle:
Kahona peyar hy.
Shadi k bad:
Ye sb bekar hy
Shadi se phle:
Tum Bin Raha Na
Jae.
Shadi k bad:
Tum KO Saha Na
Jae.
Shadi se pehle:
Hum dil de choke
sanam.
Shadi k bad:
yeh kia kar
choke hain hum
Shadi se pehle:
I LOVE YOU
Shadi k bad:
I KILL U
Shadi se phle:
Milne Kab Aao
Gi.
Shadi k bad:
Mekay Kab Jao
GI.:-(
Ek Shohar khubsurt tha,.,.
Ek Shohar khubsurt tha
aur BV kali thi.
Shohar:
Hum dono Jannati hen
BV:Kesy?
Shohar:
Tm Mjhy dekh kr Shukr
ada krti ho
Or
M Tmhay Dek kr toba
krta hun;-).
Biwi:Main mar jaon gi,.,.
Biwi:Main mar jaon gi
Shohar:Main b mar jaon
ga
Biwi:Main to bemar hon
tum Qmaro gay?
.
.
Mujh sy itni khushi bardasht
nahi hogi..
Husband Suhag Raat Ko Biwi Sy.,.,
Husband Suhag Raat Ko
Biwi Sy: Aaj Sy Tumhari
Sari Cheezein Main Use
Karun Ga,
.
.
Biwi Sharmate Howe Boli:
Wo Plastic Wala Penis
Aram Sy Lena,
Murr Jata Hai…!!
[PM 273]
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#90
Wife: Darling today is
our anniversary, what
should we do?
Husband: Let us stand
in silence for 2 minutes.
[PM 273]
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#91
Husband & wife are like liver and kidney.
Husband is liver & wife is kidney.
If liver fails, kidney fails.
If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.
[PM 273]
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#92
One Philosphar Said:
Every Wife Is A
~Misstress~
Of Her Husband.
‘~Miss~’
For One Year
And
‘~Stress~’
For Rest Of The Life..!!
[PM 273]
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#93
Aik Khofnak Nashta”Wife: Aap K
Anday Ubaal Don.:-D
Husband:Nahi Pehle Apna Doodh
Garam Karlo.:-)
[PM 273]
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#94
zinda rha to tmhara hi
sth nibhaoun ga.
“DOST”
Bhool jaun To samjh lena
k
Bhabi mil gyi he.
(-,-) (‘.&rsquo
/,,,/.
_!!_,,_/_
Chalo begum.
[PM 273]
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#95
Wife:
Meine suna hai k jannt mein
Mardon ko Hooren milen gi.
To Aurton ko kya mile ga?
Husband;
Kuch nahi.
Allah sirf muzloom ki sunta
hai.,.
[PM 273]
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#96
Pathan ki 2 Biviyan Larr
pari,
Aik boli k Aaj sunday Hay.
2sari boli nai Aaj Monday
Hay.
PATHAN Tang Aa k Bola:
Main kya pagal Hun Jo
juma parh k Aya Hun.,,
[PM 273]
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#97
Son:
Papa main itan jawaan
kab Honga k main Mama
ko bina bataye Ghar se
bahir ja sakoon?
.
.
Papa:
Bata itna Jawaan to abi
tak mein b nahi hun;-)
[PM 273]
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#98
Biwi kitchen se boli:
Sunte ho Main Din Ba
Din khubsurat Hoti ja
Rahi hun,
shohar:Acha Wo kaise?
Biwi:Ab to Mujhy se
rotiyan b jalne Lagi
hain.,.,.!
[PM 273]
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#99
4 Dost Bhethe Thy,
Table Per Rakhe
Mobiles Mein Sy 1
Baja,
Man: Hello!
Biwi: Jaan, I Am In
Bazar, Keya Main
1 Lakh Ka Jewelry
Set Ly Lon,
Man: Han Jan Ly
Lo.
Biwi: Silk Sarhi Bhi
Jo 20,000 Ki Hy
Man: 1 Sarhi Nae
2 , 4 Ly Lo
Biwi: Ok. Dear
Tumhara Credit
Card Myre Pas
Hai, Usi Sy Ly Rahe
Hon.
Man: Han Thek Hai.
Sary Dost Bole: Tu
Pagal Hai Ya Tujhe
Charh Gae, Ya Tu
Humein Necha Dekha
Raha Hai.
K Tu Apni Biwi Ko Kitna
Chahta Hai.
Man: Wo Sub Choro
Yay Batao Yay Mobile
Kis Ka Hai?
[PM 273]
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#100
Husband: If I Have An Affair
With Your Most Loving Friend,
What Will Be The First Thought
That Would Come To Your Mind?
Smart Wife: That You Are Gay!
[PM 273]
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#101
Husband: Darling! Tum
Mujhe 1 Jaga Sy Bohot
Achi Lagti Ho
Wife: Kaha Sy?
Husband: DOOOOOOOOR Sy.
[PM 273]
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#102
Husband Mera White
Ho
Lambi Us Ki Height
Ho
Ghusay Ka Wo Light
Ho
Personality Us Ki
Tight Ho
Jab Saas Sy Meri
Fight Ho
‘Kahy’
JANU Tum He Right
Ho.
[PM 273]
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#103
An Economist Beautifully
Explained Two Reason For
Having 2 Wifes.
A. Monopoly Should Be
Broken.
B. Competition Improves
The Quality Of Services..
[PM 273]
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#104
When youur fear touches
someones pain, it becomes pity,
when your love touches
someones pain,it becomes compassion
[PM 273]
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#105
Marriage Cuple new marrige cuple train se jate hoe surng se guzry HASBAND: ager pata hota k itni lambi surang hai to mai is ka faida otha leta Wife? to kiya wo tum nahi thay
[PM 273]
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#106
What is the difference between wife & saali?
Saali is Beauty,
Wife is duy,
Saali is passion,
Wife is tension,
Saali is patakha,
Wife is sayapa,
Saali is cool,
Wife is fool,
Saali is tuty-fruity,
Wife is qismat futi,
Saali is fresh cake,
Wife is earth quake…:p
[PM 273]
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#107
Wife: Suno g doctor ne mujhe aik
maheenay k araam k liye beautiful
foreign country janay ko kaha hai.
Hum kahan jayen gay?
Husband: doosray doctor k passs..
[PM 273]
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#108
Wife:kal rat tum mujhey neend
mein galian kion de rahey thai?
Husband: tumhey ghalat fehmi hoi hai..
Wife: kesi ghalat fehmi?
Husband: Yehi k mein neeend mein tha..
[PM 273]
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#109
Once a husband and wife
were preparing to go office
and the wife thought
she would drive today for the office.
Wife : Chalo na car me kahin ghumne
chalte hai, aur car me drive karungi!
Huband : “Agar tum car drive karogi to
jayenge car mein, aayenge akhbaar mein”!!
[PM 273]
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#110
Husband Wife Main Larai Ho Gayi
Husband Ghar Se Chala Gya
Raat Ko Phone Pr Biwi Se Poocha : Khaane Main Kia Hai ?
Wife : ZEHER
Husband : Oki Tum Kha K So Jana Main Deer Se Aaonga ;->
[PM 273]
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#111
Husband 2 Wife : Did u Have any boyfriend before marriage ??
Wife remains silent ……
Husband : Mai is Khamoshi ko kya samjhu ??
Wife : Abbe gin ne to De….
[PM 273]
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#112
Wife came home with a goat.
Husband asked”Is bhains ko ghar kion lai ho?”
Wife:”Dikhta nahin, bakri hy!”
Husband:”Bakri se hi poch raha hon”
[PM 273]
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#113
Judge:why did u shoot ur wife
instead of shootingher lover?
Sardar:Your honour,
it’s easier to shoot a woman once,
than shooting one man every week.
[PM 273]
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#114
Doctor:Madam, your husband needs rest
and pease so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor:They are for you.!!
[PM 273]
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#115
How woman calls their husband in first 6 years
Yr 1.Janu
Yr 2.O G.
Yr 3.Sunte ho?
Yr 4.O bunty k pappa
Yr 5.Kahan mar gaye?
Yr 6.Tum aate ho k main aaon?
[PM 273]
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#116
Last night was my fault,
my wife asked,
“what’s on the TV?”
and ….. I said, “dust!”
[PM 273]
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#117
Husband:u will never succeed
in making that dog obey u!
Wife:Nonsense it’s only a matter of patience,
I had a lot of trouble with u at first.
[PM 273]
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#118
My wife and I
were happy for 20 years.
Than we met.
[PM 273]
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#119
Friends Are like “Priya Gold Biscuit” Haq Se maango
Girl Friends are like Pepsi Yeh Dil Maange More
Wife is like a medicine Bas Ek hi kaafi hai
[PM 273]
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#120
Wife: What is so interesting in me?
Husband: I dont know the meaning of interesting!!!
[PM 273]
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#121
Husband 2 Wife : Did u Have any boyfriend before marriage ??
Wife remains silent ……
Husband : Mai is Khamoshi ko kya samjhu ??
Wife : Abbe gin ne to De….
[PM 273]
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#122
Wife:-I will die.
Husband:- I will also die.
Wife:-why will you die?
Husband:-because main itni khushi
bardasht nahin ker sakta
[PM 273]
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#123
Wife: If I die what will u do?
Husband: Main paagal ho jaun ga!
Wife: Will u marry again after I die?
Husband: Pagal kuch bhi kar sakta hai
[PM 273]
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#124
Husband & wife are like liver and kidney.
Husband is liver & wife is kidney.
If liver fails, kidney fails.
If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.
[PM 273]
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#125
जज औरत से : हाँ तो बताइए आपके तलाक की ज़मीन क्या है ?
औरत : ज़मीन, शहर के बीचो बीच एक बहुत बड़ा बंगला है और उसके पास थोड़ी सी खाली ज़मीन है ??
जज : नहीं – नहीं , मेरे कहने का मतलब है कि तलाक़ के लिए ग्राउंड्स क्या है ???
औरत : ग्राउंड तो बंगले के पास ही है पर ज्यादा बड़ा नहीं है ??
जज : आप समझ नहीं रही है मैं आधार की बात कर रहा हूँ ?? ?
औरत : आधार कार्ड तो बना हुआ है पर उसका कैमरा अच्छा नहीं था तो फोटो अच्छी नहीं आई ??
जज : तलाक की नींव क्या है ? ? ?? ?
औरत: नींव बहुत गहरी है आप फ़िक्र न करे ??
जज : देवी जी आप तलाक़ क्यों लेना चाहती है ???
औरत: तलाक मैं नहीं मेरे पति लेना चाहते है ??
जज औरत के पति से : आपके अपनी पत्नी से तलाक लेने की वजह क्या है ???
पति : यही मगज़मारी जो अभी आपके साथ हुई मेरे साथ रोज़ होती है ????????
जज की आँखों में ऑंसू आ गए
[PM 273]
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#126
गणेश जी की दो पत्नियाँ है – रिद्धि और सिद्धि
और इन्सान की एक ही है और वो भी ज़िद्दी ????????????
[PM 273]
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#127
वर्मा जी वकील से : मुझे अपनी पत्नी से तलाक चाहिए , वो पिछले 6 महीने से मुझसे बात नहीं कर रही
वकील : एक बार अच्छी तरह से सोच लो , ऐसी पत्नी बार बार नहीं मिलती ????
[PM 273]
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#128
पति ने नहाने के बाद बाथरूम से आवाज़ लगाई : “सुनो ज़रा तौलिया देना मेरा ”
पत्नी (गुस्से में ): तुम हमेशा तौलिये के बिना ही क्यों जाते हो ? अब नाश्ता बनाऊँ या तुम्हें तौलिया दूँ ?
बनियान भी धोकर नल पर टाँग देते हो वो भी मैं उठाऊँ … नहाने के बाद wiper भी नहीं मारते तुम , कल तो light भी बंद नहीं की…. गीले गीले पैर लेकर बाहर आते हो पहर पूरे घर में घुमते हो फ़िर उस पर मिट्टी पड़ जाती है और सारा घर गंदा हो जाता है , अपनी कामवाली बाथरूम साफ़ करने गयी फिसल कर गिर गयी और 3 दिन नहीं आयी , कितना बुरा हाल हुआ था मेरा काम करके…..??
पति (मन में सोचते हुए ) : तौलिया माँग कर गलती कर दी या शादी करके ????
[PM 273]
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#129
पत्नी (गुस्से में ): मैं घर छोड़ कर जा रही हूँ … ??
पति (गुस्से में ): हाँ “जान ” छोड़ो अब ??
पत्नी : बस आपकी यही “जान ” कहने की आदत ना हमेशा मुझे रोक लेती है ???
[PM 273]
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#130
???? पति हाथ पाँव छिलवाकर और एक आंख सुजवाकर घर आया… ?
पत्नी ने घबराकर पति से पूछा : क्या हुआ ????
पति : कुछ नहीं, एक औरत स्कूटी से टक्कर मार के निकल गई ??
पत्नी : – तो उसके स्कूटर का नंबर नोट किया, कौन थी ?? कुछ तो याद होगा ?
पति : – नहीं, दर्द के कारण स्कूटर का रंग और नंबर तो नहीं देख पाया पर ?बहुत गोरी व सुनहरे बाल वाली थी ? उसने गहरे हरे रंग का सूट पहना था?, गुलाबी कलर की चूड़ियां , ?गहरे लाल कलर की लिपस्टिक, कानों में हीरे की बालियां थी, हाथों में मेहंदी लगी थी ?और हाँ दायें गाल पे होठों के पास तिल भी था …? इतना बताते ही पतिदेव की दूसरी आंख भी सूज गयी ? ????????
[PM 273]
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#131
बरसात के इस सुहाने मौसम में
singles – सपने देखते हैं
couples – date करते है
शादीशुदा : ये कपड़े कहाँ सूखने डालूँ ? ??
[PM 273]
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#132
पत्नी : तुम कोई भी काम ढंग से नहीं करते हो ???
पति : अब क्या हुआ ? क्या कर दिया ऐसा मैंने ? ??
पत्नी : तुमने जो कल cylinder लगाया था ??
पति : हाँ लगाया था ??
पत्नी : पता नहीं कैसे लगाया कल से दो बार दूध उबला दोनों बार ही दूध फट गया ???????
[PM 273]
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#133
पति : तुम हर बात पर हमेशा मेरा-मेरा करती हो, तुम्हें हमारा kehna चाहिए
पत्नी कुछ ढूंढ रही होती है अलमारी में….
पति : क्या ढूँढ रही हो ?
पत्नी : हमारा पेटीकोट ????????
[PM 273]
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#134
पत्नी : तुम मेरे साथ करवाचौथ का व्रत रखोगे ना ?
पति : मैंने तुम्हें कभी कहा मेरे साथ दारु पीने चलो ??
[PM 273]
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#135
डॉक्टर : आपकी पत्नी बस दो – तीन दिन की मेहमान है , I am sorry
पति : इसमें सॉरी की क्या बात है डॉक्टर साहिब ये 2-3 दिन भी जैसे तैसे कट ही जायेंगे??
[PM 273]
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#136
पति ने पत्नी से कहा पिछले महीने का हिसाब दो
पत्नी ने हिसाब लिखना शुरू किया और बीच बीच में लिखने लगी भ. जा. कि. गे .
800भ. जा. कि. गे .
2000भ. जा. कि. गे .
500भ. जा. कि. गे .
पति ने पूछा ये भ. जा.कि. गे की क्या है ?
पत्नी : भगवान् जाने किधर गए ???
[PM 273]
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#137
पति को बाजार जाते हुए देख पत्नी ने पैसे देकर कहा “कुछ ऐसी चीज़ लाना जिस से मैं सुन्दर दिखूं” ?????
पति खुद के लिए Whisky की दो बोतल ले आया। ??
[PM 273]
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#138
प्रभु यह क्या मोह माया है?
अपना बच्चा रोये तो दिल में दर्द होता है ….. और दूसरे का रोये तो सर में!! !!
अपनी बीवी रोये तो सर में दर्द होता है…… और दूसरे की रोये तो दिल में???
सब प्रभु की माया है ????
[PM 273]
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#139
मुझे किसी ने सलाह दी की बीवी से बहस में नहीं जीता जा सकता इसलिए बस मुस्कुरा दिया करो
मैंने भी कोशिश की ??
बीवी : बहुत हंसी आ रही है आजकल तुम्हे ? लगता है तुम्हारा भूत उतारना ही पड़ेगा ???
[PM 273]
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#140
जब लड़की अपने, पिता के घर होती है,” रानी ” बन कर रहती है…..
पहली बार ससुराल जाती है,” लक्ष्मी “,बनकर जाती है…….
और ससुराल में काम कऱते-करते ” बाई ” बन जाती है……
इस तरह लड़कियाँ “रानी-लक्ष्मी-बाई” बन जाती है…!!!
और फिर वो पति को अंग्रेज समझ कर बिना तलवार के ही इतना परेशान कर देती है कि ????
बेचारा पति, अंग्रेज न हो कर भी “अंग्रेजी” ?? लेना शुरू कर देता है ?????
[PM 273]
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#141
कर्मचारी अपने साहब से – साहब, आप ऑफिस में शादीशुदा आदमियों को ही क्यों रखते हो ?
साहब- क्योंकि उन्हें बेइज़्ज़ती सहने की आदत होती है और घर जाने की जल्दी भी नहीं होती। ????????
[PM 273]
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#142
कर्मचारी अपने साहब से – साहब, आप ऑफिस में शादीशुदा आदमियों को ही क्यों रखते हो ?
साहब- क्योंकि उन्हें बेइज़्ज़ती सहने की आदत होती है और घर जाने की जल्दी भी नहीं होती। ????????
[PM 273]
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#143
पति- तेरे बाप की जले पर नमक छिड़कने की आदत गई नहीं।
पत्नी- क्यों क्या हुआ?
पति- आज फिर से पूछ रहा था कि मेरी बेटी से शादी करके खुश तो हो ना? ?????
[PM 273]
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#144
अगर आपकी पत्नी आपका कहना नहीं मानती है तो..??……………..
तो..??…………….
इतना ध्यान से मत पढ़ो………………
किसी की नहीं मानती ?????……………..
इसका कोई इलाज नहीं है ???
[PM 273]
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#145
पत्नी : अजी सुनते हो, आपका दोस्त एक पागल लड़की से शादी करने जा रहा है…उसे रोकते क्यों नहीं ?
पति – क्यों रोकूँ ? उस दोस्त ने मुझे रोका था क्या ????
[PM 273]
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#146
पत्नी : अजी सुनते हो दो किलो मटर ले लूँ ?
पति : हाँ ….. ले लो जो ठीक लग रहा है कर लो
पत्नी : राय नहीं माँग रही आपकी ?? …… पूछ रही हूँ …… छील लोगे इतने ….. कि कम लूँ ?????
[PM 273]
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#147
पति Whisky का एक गिलास बनाता है और पत्नी से कहता है- लो पीओ इसे…
पत्नी Whisky का एक घूँट पीती है और कहती है- छी छी… कितनी कड़वी है….
पति- और तू सोचती है कि मै अय्याशी / मज़े करता हूँ…जहर के घूँट पीता हूँ … जहर के…???
[PM 273]
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#148
friends : Asian Paints ( जो दुनिया बदल दे )
girlfriend : Everest Msala ( taste में best )
पत्नी : mosquito coil ( कोने -कोने से ढूँढ कर मारे )?????
पति ने पत्नी को phone किया….. बहुत देर घण्टी बजती रही
[PM 273]
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#149
आजकल बीवी बात-बात में GST बोलने लगी है… कैसी भी बहस चल रही हो वो GST बोल कर बहस को ख़त्म कर देती है. तंग आकर मैंने पूँछ ही लिया: ये तुम बात करते-करते बीच में ही GST बोल कर चल देती हो…क्या मतलब है तुम्हारा ? और उसने जो जवाब दिया वो सुनकर मैं बेहोश होते होते बचा
G – गलती
S – सिर्फ
T – तुम्हारी है
[PM 273]
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#150
बीवी : आप सुलेमान की बीवी के जनाज़े पर नहीं गए ?
पति : किस मुँह से जाऊँ तीसरी बार बीवी के जनाज़े में बुला रहा है और मैं उसे एक बार भी नहीं बुला सका ?????
[PM 273]
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#151
एक आदमी डॉक्टर के पास गया
डॉक्टर: आपको आराम की ज़रूरत है , नींद की गोली दे रहा हूँ , अपनी बीवी को खिला देना ???
[PM 273]
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#152
एक प्रश्न : पत्नी क्या है ?
उत्तर : पत्नी उस शक्ति का नाम है जिसके घूरने भर से देखने पर टिंडे की सब्ज़ी में पनीर का स्वाद आने लगता है ???
[PM 273]
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#153
पत्नी : अजी सुनते हो ? अगर मैं वक़्त होती तो लोग मेरी कितनी कदर करते है न ???
पति : लोग तुम्हे देख कर डर जाते ??
पत्नी : डर क्यों जाते ? ? ?
पति : लोग कहते देखो बुरा वक़्त आ रहा है ?????
[PM 273]
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#154
एक बॉस ने अपने नए ऑफिस में एक कैलेंडर टाँगा
” I am the Boss , Don’t Forget and remain in your limits”
जब बॉस लंच से वापिस आया तो टेबल पर एक नोट देखा उसमें लिखा था “आपकी बीवी का फ़ोन आया था बहुत गुस्से में थी और कह रही थी आपको कह दे की जो कैलेंडर वो घर से लाये हैं वो शाम को वापिस ले आये ???
[PM 273]
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#155
पति अपने दोस्त से : यार मेरी पत्नी बहुत खर्चीले स्वभाव की हो गई है , आये दिन कभी 1000 कभी 2000 मांगती रहती है ??
दोस्त : तुम्हारी पत्नी इतने पैसों का करती क्या है ? ??
पहला दोस्त : क्या पता ? मैंने कभी दिए ही नहीं ???
[PM 273]
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#156
पत्नी तैयार होकर अपने पति से पूछती है : कैसी लग रही हूँ मैं ? ?
पति : कसम से दिल तो कर रहा है कि तुझे पाकिस्तान फेंक आऊँ ??
पत्नी : क्या मतलब ? ?
पति : बम लग रही है बम ??????
[PM 273]
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#157
पहला दोस्त : यार ये शादी का क्या मतलब होता है ?
दूसरा दोस्त : धूमधाम से खुद की सुपारी देना ???
[PM 273]
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#158
नेहा : कल तुम किट्टी पार्टी में क्यों नहीं आयी ?
दीपिका : यार कल मेरी BMW नहीं आई थी इसलिए
नेहा : BMW ???????????
दीपिका : बर्तन मांजने वाली ??????
[PM 273]
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#159
संजू : यार, तू कल इतना दुखी क्यों था?
राहुल : मेरी पत्नी ने साड़ी के लिए मुझसे 5,000 रुपये लिए थे।
संजू : लेकिन आज इतना खुश क्यों हो रहा है?
राहुल : मेरी पत्नी वही साड़ी पहनकर तेरी पत्नी से मिलने जा रही है ????????
[PM 273]
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#160
कहते है कि पति परिवार का हेड होता है ..लेकिन लोग भूल जाते हैं कि पत्नी परिवार की गरदन होती है ..और गर्दन जिधर मुड़ेगी .. हेड को तो उधर ही मुड़ना है ??
[PM 273]
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#161
पत्नी मायके से फोन करती है पति को -अपना ध्यान रखना, सुना है बहुत डेंगू फैल रहा है
पति-मेरा सारा खून तो तू पी गई थी, मच्छर क्या “रक्त दान” करने आएगा?? ????
[PM 273]
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#162
पत्नी: कहाँ पर हो…???
पति: accident हो गया है…. हॉस्पिटल जा रहा हूँ,,
पत्नी: ध्यान देना….. टिफ़िन टेढ़ा ना हो जायें वरना दाल गिर जायेगी ????
[PM 273]
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#163
अर्ज़ किया है..LIC वाले भी ग़जब ढाते हैं…वाह वाह …LIC वाले भी ग़जब ढाते हैं…दुसरो की बीवियों के पास घंटो बैठकर, उन्हें उनके पति की मौत के फायदे समझाते है ??
[PM 273]
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#164
सुबह सुबह बीवी ने कहा – उठो जी, मेरे लिए नाश्ता बना दो ..
पति उठा और बाहर जाने लगा
पत्नी -अरे कहाँ चल दिए ?
पति – अपने वकील के पास, मुझे तुमसे तलाक़ लेना है
पति वकील के घर गया और वहाँ से उलटे पैर लौट आया और चुपचाप नाश्ता बनाने लगा …
क्यों?????
क्योंकि वकील बर्तन मांज रहा था ???
[PM 273]
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#165
पति यदि खाना खाते वक्त आचार माँगे…तो समझ जाना कि ना तो सब्जी में दम है ……….और ना ही सीधे बोलने का दम है..???????
[PM 273]
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#166
संजू जैसे ही घर पहुँचा, पत्नी ने लात घूँसों से पीटना शुरू कर दिया ……बुरी तरह से पिटने के बाद संजू ने जब पिटाई का कारण पूछा तो
पत्नी बोली- पड़ोस वाले वर्मा जी का उसके ऑफिस की सेक्रेटरी से चक्कर चल रहा है ?
संजू – तो मुझे क्यों पीट रही हो ?
पत्नी- ताकि खौफ़ कायम रहे ???
[PM 273]
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#167
मैंने कल अपने दोस्त को फोन किया और पूछा कि वो क्या कर रहा है, तो उसने बोला वह एक विशेष प्रकार की रिसर्च पर काम कर रहा है। जोर डालने पर उसने बताया कि……
He is currently working on “Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment”
मैं बहुत प्रभावित हुआ …. बाद में दिमाग पर जोर दे के समझ आया कि बर्तन धो रहा था गरम पानी से …बीबी की निगरानी में .. ?????????!
[PM 273]
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#168
पार्टी में सुन्दर लड़की से हंस हंस कर बातें कर रहे पति के पास पत्नी आई और बोली…..चलिये, घर चल कर मैं आपकी चोट पे Moov लगा दूँगी।
पति : पर मुझे चोट कहाँ लगी है??
पत्नी: अभी हम घर भी कहाँ पहुंचे हैं???? ???
[PM 273]
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#169
खाना खाने बैठे पति ने अपनी पत्नी से पुछा ” ये सब्ज़ी जो तुमने बनाई है इसका क्या नाम है ?
पत्नी : क्यों पूछ रहे हो ?
पति : मुझे भी तो ऊपर जाकर जवाब देना है जब वो पूछेंगे ” क्या खा कर मरे थे ?”
[PM 273]
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#170
पति ने पत्नी को मेसेज भेजा-
मेरी जिंदगी इतनी प्यारी, इतनी खूबसूरत बनाने के लिए तुम्हारा शुक्रिया। मैं आज जो भी हूं, सिर्फ तुम्हारी वजह से हूं। तुम मेरे जीवन में एक फरिश्ता बनकर आई हो और तुमने ही मुझे जीने का मकसद दिया है…. Love You …
पत्नी ने रिप्लाई किया-
मार लिया चौथा पैग??? आ जाओ घर कुछ नही कहूँगी…
पति – बाहर खड़ा हूँ , गेट खोल दे ??????
[PM 273]
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#171
पत्नी -आप मुझे रानी क्यों बोलते हो?
पति – क्योंकि नौकरानी लम्बा शब्द हो जाता है, ?
पत्नी गुस्से से : तुम्हे पता है कि में तुम्हे “जान” क्यों बोलती हूँ?
पति: नहीं.. बताओ तो जरा
पत्नी: जानवर लम्बा शब्द हो जाता है इसलिए सिर्फ “जान” बोल देती हूँ ????
[PM 273]
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#172
बीमार पति को लेकर पत्नी डॉक्टर के पास पहुंची।
डॉक्टर ने मरीज की जांच पड़ताल की और बाहर आकर उस महिला से कहा :-
अपने पति को रोजाना पौष्टिक नाश्ता दीजिए।
उन्हें हमेशा खुशमिजाज ? बनाए रखिए।
किसी परेशानी पर उनसे बहस ? मत किया कीजिए।
टीवी सीरियल देखना छोड़ दीजिए।
टेंशन देने वाले काम जैसे..??नए कपड़ों ?? और गहनों ?? की मांग न करें।
अगर आप साल भर तक ऐसा करेंगी, तो आपके पति बिल्कुल ठीक हो जाएंगे।
वहां से लौटते वक्त पति ने अपनी पत्नी से पूछा : डॉक्टर ने क्या बताया ❓
पत्नी :- डॉक्टर ने कहा है कि बचना मुश्किल है…
[PM 273]
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#173
एक बच्चा अपनी माँ से बोला –“मम्मी,कोई कहानी सुनाओ ना ”?
मम्मी – “बेटा,मुझे तो कोई कहानी याद नहीं । अभी तुम्हारे पापा घर आयेंगे, तब मैं पूछूँगी कि इतने लेट कैसे हुए …,फिर तुम देखना वो कितनी कहानियाँ सुनाते हैं … ? ? ?? ? ? ? ? …..
[PM 273]
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#174
टीचर : मैं 2 वाक्य दूंगा आपको उसमें अंतर बताना है
1. उसने बर्तन धोये
2. उसे बर्तन धोने पड़े
संजू : पहले वाक्य में कर्ता अविवाहित है और दुसरे वाक्य में कर्ता विवाहित है। टीचर अभी तक बेहोश है।? ? ? ?
[PM 273]
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#175
विवाह क्या है ?
विवाह एक ऐसा गठबंधन है जिसमे में 2 लोग मिलकर उन समस्याओं को सुलझाने का जीवन भर प्रयास करते है जो पहले कभी थी ही नहीं ???
[PM 273]
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#176
अगर पत्नी मायके गई हो, तो आदमी तब तक बर्तन नहीं धोता, जब तक चाय कढ़ाई में बनाने की नौबत ना आ जाए…? ? ? ?
[PM 273]
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#177
पति : मैच वाला चैनल लगाओ
पत्नी : नहीं लगाऊँगी ?
पति : देख लूँगा ?
पत्नी : क्या देख लोगे ???
पति : यही चैनल जो तुम देख रही हो ??
[PM 273]
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#178
पत्नी ने पति को कॉल किया : कहाँ हो अभी तक घर नहीं आये ?
पति : तुम्हे वो ज्वेलरी की दुकान याद है जहाँ तुम्हें हीरे का एक हार पसन्द आया था ? लेकिन तब मेरे पास इतने पैसे नहीं थे कि तुम्हें दिला पाता।
पत्नी : हाँ याद है
पति : फिर मैंने कहा था जब मेरे पास पैसे होंगे मैं तुम्हे जरूर दिलवाऊंगा
पत्नी : खुश होकर हाँ बिलकुल याद है ??
पति : बस मैं उसी दुकान के सामने वाले सलून में बाल कटवा रहा हूँ थोड़ा लेट आऊंगा।??? ? ? ?
[PM 273]
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#179
एक दिन पति अपने घर की लाइट ठीक कर रहा था…… तभी उसने अपनी बीवी को आवाज़ लगाईं…
पत्नी – क्या है ?
पति – ज़रा इधर तो आओ …
पत्नी– लो आ गई, अब बोलो ?
पति– ये दो तार हैं, ज़रा इनमे से कोई एक हाथ में पकड़ना
पत्नी– क्यों ?
पति– अरे तू पकड़ तो सही एक बार
पत्नी– ये लो पकड़ लिया
पति– कुछ हुआ?
पत्नी– नहीं तो…
पति – अच्छा, इसका मतलब कर्रेंट दूसरी तार में है.. ? ? ? ?
[PM 273]
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#180
तूफानी बारिश आधी रात एक आदमी Pizza Hut से पिज़्ज़ा लेने गया
पिज़्ज़ावाला:- आप शादीशुदा हो ??
आदमी:- साले, ऐसे तूफान में कौनसी माँ अपने बेटे को पिज़्ज़ा लाने भेजेगी..????
[PM 273]
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#181
एक आदमी की एक टांग की हड्डी टूट गयी…वो हॉस्पिटल गया तो देखा कि वहां एक आदमी की दोनों टांगें टूटी हुई हैं ।।
भोलापन तो देखिए … तो वो उसको देखकर बोला कि – आपकी दो पत्नियां हैं क्या????
[PM 273]
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#182
एक सर्वे के अनुसार 40% लोग अपनी बीबी से परेशान हैँ …बाकी 60% लोगों ने अपनी पत्नी के डर से सर्वे में भाग नही लिया…??? ??
[PM 273]
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#183
हिंदी में शुरू से ही कमजोर रहा हूँ…. पर आज गडबड हो गई , बीवी को मैसेज भेज रहा था , प्रियतमा की जगह प्रेतआत्मा लिख कर send हो गया….सुबह से खाना नहीं मिला है … ?? ? ?
[PM 273]
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#184
पत्नी ने अपने पती को बताया :मेरी जीभ पर छाले निकल आए हैं।
पती बोला- उसे कभी आराम तो करने नहीं देती, फिर यह तो होना ही था ??????
[PM 273]
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#185
एक व्यक्ति घर में पुराने कागजात देख रहा था,तभी उसके हाथ में धर्मपत्नि का ग्यारवी कक्षा का रिपोर्ट कार्ड आया….नम्बरो के नीचे चरित्र प्रमाण पत्र पढ कर अभी तक बेहोश है…. लिखा था …“मधुरभाषी एवं शांतिप्रिय छात्रा”???
[PM 273]
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#186
पत्नी : प्लीज मेरी तरफ मुह करके सो जाओ…. मुझे डर लग रहा हे…..
पति : अच्छा!! बस अपनी ही चिंन्ता हे… मे भले ही डर डर के मर जाऊँ
[PM 273]
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#187
एक बार एक सास अपनी बहु से बहुत परेशान थी,क्यूंकि वो कोई काम नहीं करती थी । एक दिन सास ने अपने बेटे के साथ मिलकर सलाह बनाई कि कल सुबह मैं घर में झाड़ू लगाऊँगी, और तुम मुझे टोकना कि लाओ माँ मैं कर देता हूँ , इस तरह (बहु ) को कुछ तो शर्म आएगी ??
सुबह जैसे ही माँ झाड़ू लगाने लगी…
लड़का – लाओ माँ मैं कर देता हूँ….
माँ — ना बेटा, यह तुम्हारा काम नहीं….
लड़का– नहीं माँ….लाओ मुझे लगाने दो….
इतने में बहु मौक़े पर आई और बोली – अरे, इसमें झगड़ने की क्या बात है..
Even date पे माँ लगाएंगी और Odd date पे तुम लगा लेना….
माँ और बेटा बेहोश
?
??????????
[PM 273]
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#188
पत्नी – अजी सुनते हो , तुमको ऑफिस की फ़िक्र है घर की कोई फ़िक्र ही नहीं
पति – क्या हुआ ?
पत्नी – लगता है हमारी बेटी ने बाहर किसी से सेटिंग कर ली है
पति – तुमको कैसे पता ?
पत्नी – आज कल मोबाइल रिचार्ज के पैसे ही नहीं माँगती है …. पति बेहोश
[PM 273]
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#189
पत्नी – मै मायके तभी जाउंगी , जब आप मुझे छोड़ने आओगे
पति – मंजूर है पर वादा करो की घर भी तुम तभी आओगी , जब मै तुम्हे लेने आऊंगा
[PM 273]
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#190
पत्नी मायके जाती है और पति को मैसेज भेजती है:”मेरी मोहब्ब्त को अपने दिल में ढूंढ लेना;
और हाँ, आटे को अच्छी तरह गूँथ लेना!
मिल जाए अगर प्यार तो खोना नहीं;
प्याज़ काटते वक्त बिलकुल रोना नहीं!
मुझसे रूठ जाने का बहाना अच्छा है;
थोड़ी देर और पकाओ आलू अभी कच्चा है!
मिलकर फिर खुशियों को बाँटना है;
टमाटर जरा बारीक़ ही काटना है!
लोग हमारी मोहब्ब्त से जल न जाएं;
चावल टाइम पे देख लेना कहीं गल न जाएं!
कैसी लगी हमारी ग़जल बता देना;
नमक कम लगे तो और मिला लेना!
????????
पति का सुपर रिप्लाई:
तुम्हारी यही अदा तो दिल को भा गईं..
तुम्हारे जाते ही, पड़ोसन खाना पकाने आ गई ..
?????
[PM 273]
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#191
?प्रश्न : गुरुदेव शादी कितने जन्मों का बन्धन है?
गुरुदेव : यह तो तुम पर निर्भर करता है, सब ठीक चल रहा है तो समझो 6 जन्म बाकी हैं ? … और अगर सब गडबड है तो सोचो कि 6 जन्म निकल गए, यह आखरी है, निकाल लो ????????
[PM 273]
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#192
बीवी से परेशान पति एक दिन पंडितजी के पास पहुंचा
पति – “पंडितजी, एक बात बताइये ये जनम जनम का साथ वाली बात सच है क्या ?”
पंडितजी – “सौ फ़ीसदी सच !”
पति – “मतलब मुझे अगले जनम में भी यही पत्नी मिलेगी … ?”
पंडितजी – “बिलकुल !”
पति – “हे भगवान ! फिर तो ख़ुदकुशी करने से भी कोई फायदा नही … !!!”
[PM 273]
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#193
निकाह के दौरान मौलवी ने आवाज लगाते हुए कहा – इस शादी पर किसी को कोई ऐतराज़ ?
एक आवाज़ आई – “हाँ, मुझे है …”
मौलवी ने आवाज लगाने वाले को झिड़कते हुए कहा – अमां यार तुम चुप रहो … तुम दूल्हे हो … तुम्हें तो ज़िन्दगी भर रहेगा !!
[PM 273]
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#194
बहुत बड़े बोर्ड पर सुंदर लड़की का मिक्सर के साथ फोटो था और लिखा था — “एक्सचेंज ऑफर”
पति बहुत देर से वो बोर्ड गौर से देख रहा था …. ये देख कर पत्नी बड़े ही “नम्रतापूर्वक” बोली– “घर चलिए … ऑफर सिर्फ मिक्सर पर है … !!!
[PM 273]
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#195
पत्नी: कोई नया शेर सुनाओ?
पति: संगमरमर से तराशा, खुदा ने तेरे बदन को..
पत्नी (ख़ुशी से): आगे?
पति: बाकी बचा पत्थर उसने तेरी अक्ल पे रख दिया।
[PM 273]
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#196
पति वह प्राणी है जो भूत प्रेत से बेशक न डरे मगर….. पत्नी की ‘4 missed call’….. खौफ पैदा करने के लिए काफी है!!!! ? ? ? ? ?
[PM 273]
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#197
डॉक्टर ने मरीज़ की जांच करने के बाद कहा – आपके कोई पुरानी बीमारी है, जो आपके शरीर को धीरे धीरे खा रही है…
मरीज़ – डॉक्टर साहब ! थोड़ा धीरे बोलियें वो ???? बाहर ही बैठी है…
[PM 273]
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#198
पत्नी : मैं आपके लिए दुनिया की कोई भी जगह में जा सकती हूँ
पति : तो फिर एक वादा और करो… कि कभी वापिस नहीं आओगी।
[PM 273]
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#199
पति : आज खाना क्यों नहीं बनाया ?
पत्नी : गिर गई थी और लग गयी ?
पति : कहाँ गिर गई थी और क्या लग गयी थी?
पत्नी : तकिये पर गिर गयी थी और आँख लग गयी थी।
[PM 273]
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#200
पति पत्नी एक ही प्लेट मे गोलगप्पे खा रहे थे , एक दूसरे की आँख मैं आँख डाले
पत्नी ने रोमांटिक हो कर पूछा : ऐसे क्या देख रहे हो??जी
पति बोला : थोडा आराम से खा…मेरी बारी ही नहीं आ रही.. ?????
[PM 273]
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#201
एक आदमी कुम्भ मेले में प्रार्थना कर रहा था :हे प्रभु, न्याय करो… हे प्रभु, न्याय करो… हमेशा भाई-भाई को बिछड़ते देखा है कुम्भ में …
कभी पति-पत्नी पर भी try करो !!
[PM 273]
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#202
दिल छू लेने वाली कहानी …
पति और पत्नी घूमने निकले…टहलते समय पति एक पत्थर से टकरा गया और उसका खून बहने लगा… उसने अपनी पत्नी की तरफ देखा इस उम्मीद में की वो अपना दुपट्टा फाड़ेगी और उसके घाव पे बाँध देगी..
पत्नी ने पति की आँखों में देखा और बोली ….. सोचना भी मत… डिज़ाइनर पीस है!!
[PM 273]
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#203
पति- सुतली बम है क्या??
पत्नी- दिवाली खत्म हो गयी अब सुतली बम क्यों चाहिये??
पति- तुम्हारे मायके से आया तिल का लड्डू फोडना है..!!
[PM 273]
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#204
Bhakt-
Bhagwaan main Paapi hoon!
Mujhe dard do,
Dukh do,
Mujhe barbaad kar do,
Pareshaani do,
Mujhe truck se kuchal do,
Mujhe Mount Everst ki choti se gira do,
Mere peechhe bhoot laga do!
Bhagawaan- abe 1 Line mein bol na ki biwi chaahie!
latest new fresh pati patni chutkule
[PM 273]
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#205
kit-kit ki aavaaz aa rahi thi.,
Patni: dekho ji, choohe kapade kutar rahe hain.,
Pati (kaampate hue): saari rajai jo tune kheench li,
mere hi daant kitakita rahe hain.
winter sardi rajai special pati patni chutkule
[PM 273]
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#206
Chunav Lad Rahi Mahila Se
Reporter Ne Pucha-
Apko Chunav Ladne Ka
Khayal Kaise Aya
Lady- Jab B Me Apne Pati Se Ladti Hu To Jeet Meri Hi Hoti Hai
[PM 273]
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#207
Santa - "Dekh teri Wife ko saanp(Snake) kaat raha hai"
Banta - "abe vo kaat nahin raha,
usaka jahar khatam ho gaya hai to vah
Recharge karavaane aaya hai..."
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#208
"Adabhut Sach" Duniya ke 90% purusho ka Sukun un mahilao ne chheena hai...
jinake naam ke aakhiri mein ...A, I, N, M, Y, L ya U aata hai...
yadi vishvaas na ho to apani patni ke naam se tasalli kar lijiye...
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#209
Dukaanadaar: kya chaahie ? Graahak: mujhe beevi se ladane ke lie taakat chaahie, himmat chaahie, akal bhi chaahie Dukaanadaar: saahab ko ek kvaartar do, soda do aur mungdaal ka Packet do paanch vaala.
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#210
Pati- Meri Nazar Kamzor Ho Gayi Hai,
Sochta Hu Chashma Banwa Lu.
Patni- Rehne Do! Colony Me
Mujhse Sundar Koi Nahi Hai.
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#211
Aaj ka Hindi Gyaan:
Air Hostess Havai Sundari
Nurse Davai Sundari
Lady Teacher Padhai Sundari
Naukaraani Saphai Sundari
kisi ne joda
Patni Ladai Sundari!
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#212
A Man praying in ??
Kumbh Mela...
Hey Prabhu, nyay karo...
Hey Prabhu, nyay karo...
Hamesha bhai ko bhai bichhadte hai kumbh meley main...
Kabhi pati-Patni per bhi try karo?
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#213
Dulha Romantic Andaz Me
Bola May I Kiss U Darling ?
.
Dulhan Sharmatae Hue Boli
Humne To Kabhi Gairo Ko Bhi
Manaa Nai Kiya,
Aap Toh Fir Bhi Apne Ho..
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#214
Dear future Husband,
I promise to be fiercely
loyal to you until the day I die.
Love, your future Wife.
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#215
Biwi: Mere Shrafat Dekho,
Main ny Tumhein Begair Dekhy Shaadi Kr li.
Shohar: Or Meri Shrafat Dekho,
Main ny Dekh Kr Bhi Inkar Nahi Keya.
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#216
Ya Khud Mere Shoar Ko Tarakki De
Daulat De
Bangla De
Mujhe Khuchh Nahi Chahiye..
Tu Sab Mere Shohar Ko De
.
.
.
.
Baki…
Unse Lena mera Kaam Hai,,
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#217
Husband & Wife 1 plate mein pani puri
kha rahe thy, 1 Dosare ki aankho me
aankhe dal k..
Wife(pyar sy): Aaise keya dekh rahe ho
Husband: Thora aaram sy kha mere baari
hi nahi aa rahe!!
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#218
Some women are sooo concerned
about their husband’s happiness.
that they hire detectives to find
out who is responsible for it.
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#219
2 Lovers plan suicide. Boy jumps, Girl closes her eyes and returns saying love is blind. Boy opens his parachute saying love never dies.
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#220
A boy goes to see a cabare dance. His mom gets angry & asks: Did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see? Boy: Yes, I saw dad.
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#221
A female snake tried to kiss a male snake. Suddenly the male snake turned and started singing: Zehar hai ki pyaar hai tera chumma
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#222
A husband is living proof That a wife can take a joke. A husband is what’s left of the lover. After the nerve has been extracted.
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#223
A lady places an advertisement in her local paper reading: Husband Wanted. Next day she receives 100s of responses. They all read the same: Have Mine
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#224
Why doesn't the law permit a man to marry the second time?
.
.
Because as per the law, you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#225
Whats the difference between arranged and love marriage?
Love marriage is impulsive suicide
Arranged marriage is planned murder.
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#226
Man1: I became a millionaire after I married my wife.
Man2: Wow!
Man1: The problem is I was a billionaire before marriage.
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#227
Married life is full of excitement and frustration.
In the 1st year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the 2nd year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the 3rd year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
[PM 273]
Rank : Premium A/C Expert
Status : Administrator
#228
If marriages are made in heaven,
then what are made in Hell?
.
.
scroll below
.
.
.
.
.
The days after marriage!
-----------------1 ❤:
Rohitk,
[PM 1460]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#229
[PM 172]
Rank : SMS ExperT
Status : VIP
#230
A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night.
He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.
He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.
He smashed the first bottle swearing,
“you are the reason I fight with my wife”.
He smashed the second bottle,
“you are the reason I don’t love my children”.
He smashed the third bottle,
“you are the reason I don’t have a decent job”.
When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full.
He hesitated for only a moment and said
“you stand aside, I know you were not involved”.
[PM 172]
Rank : SMS ExperT
Status : VIP
#231
Wife:
Today, I want to relax,
so I have brought three movie tickets.
Husband: why three tickets?
Wife: you and your parents.
[PM 172]
Rank : SMS ExperT
Status : VIP
#232
Biwi:
Tumhe kuch yaad bhi rehta hai?
Aaj hamari wedding anniversary hai,
.
Pati:
Oh main to bhool hi gaya tha.
Aao, 2 minute ka maun rakhenge
[PM 172]
Rank : SMS ExperT
Status : VIP
#233
Perfect Line Written On Notice Board In A Sex Magazine’S Library
“Please Hold The Magazines With Both Hands While Reading.”
If You Got The Meaning , Hit Like
[PM 172]
Rank : SMS ExperT
Status : VIP
#234
What Is The Most Sensitive Part Of The Body During Mas*urbation?
Ans: Your Ears, Listening 4 Footsteps. Isn’T It
[PM 172]
Rank : SMS ExperT
Status : VIP
#235
Boy And Girl Talking
Boy: “Give Me A Blow Job.”
Girl: “Can You Be More Romantic?”
Boy: “Fine, Give Me A Blow Job In The Rain.“-----------------
1 ❤:
Rohitk,
[PM 1460]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#236
? नॉन वेज जोक्स ? ? हंसी नहीं रोक पाओगे ??
? Just Uploaded ?
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#237
Some of these are brilliant ??
[PM 2099]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#238
Hahahahah excellent ones
[PM 2104]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#239
haha, these are good
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#240
I told my wife to throw a dart at a world map and I’d take her wherever it lands...
Turns out we’re spending 2 weeks behind the fridge!! Lol
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#241
Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today?
Wife: He takes everything literally. I can’t stand it.
Husband: My car.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#242
I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#243
Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering ?
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#244
Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage? A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!Hi
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#245
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#246
Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
Friend: “Why not?”
Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#247
If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife is.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#248
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment...
If you know you know ? lol
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#249
Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger?
He's trying to figure out the combination ?
[PM 2691]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#250
a wife is a two edged sword, she can make or ma her man
[PM 2687]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#251
nice jokes hahahaha...
[PM 2229]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#252
अगर पति पत्नी साइकिल के दो पहिए की तरह होते हैं तो..
उसमें गर्लफ्रेंड को
जोड़कर एक रिक्शा बना सकते हैं क्या......?
????
[PM 2251]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#253
Woman wen de fine pickin no de wear pant sleep for night
[PM 1334]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#254
Wah wah Wah wah mza a gya
[PM 2374]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#255
इतना मीठा मीठा बोलती है पड़ोसन,
कसम से शुगर हो गयी है..?
वो तो शुक्र है बीवी का,
कड़वा कड़वा बोल के बैलेंस करती है! ?
[PM 2374]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#256
कुछ महिलायें ??इतनी सीधी होती हैं की,
:
नमक, हल्दी और आलू ख़रीदने को भी ?शॉपिंग कहती हैं...
[PM 2266]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#257
I told my wife to throw a dart at a world map and I’d take her wherever it lands...
Turns out we’re spending 2 weeks behind the fridge!! Lol
[PM 3084]
Rank : Junkie
Status : Member
#258
खरंच कलयुग आलय मायला....
मिञाच्या लग्नात जीव तोडुन नाचलो,
आणि तो त्याच्या बाईकोला म्हणतो....
बेवडे आहेत हे सगळे ...।?????????
[PM 3084]
Rank : Junkie
Status : Member
#259
साला आज तक समझ नहीं
आया....
एक पूरा दिन ?juta और
Moja पहनो तो पैर गोरे हो
जाते हैं....
...पर साला जन्म से चड्डी पहनी
लेकिन...
...उस्ताद 'काले के काले' ?????
????
[PM 3084]
Rank : Junkie
Status : Member
#260
?? ??
.
छोटी चीज़े अक्सर गांड फाड देती हैं...??
आप पर्वत पर बैठ सकते हैं
लेकिन सुई पर नहीं...
..
-चाणक्याच्या मावशीचा मुलगा
[PM 3084]
Rank : Junkie
Status : Member
#261
उस वक़्त तो हवाओ ने भी रुख बदल दिया
जब दो औरतो की लड़ाई में एक बोली
लौड़ा ले ले मेरा....!!
[PM 3084]
Rank : Junkie
Status : Member
#262
Wife : अजी सुनते हो?
आलमारी के उपर से वह बैग उतार देना!
मेरा हाथ छोटा पड रहा है..
Husband : तो जबान से try कर ले....
वो तो बहुत लम्बी है ....
????
Husband ICU में है....
[PM 3084]
Rank : Junkie
Status : Member
#263
Wife (लम्बे झगड़े के बाद) ? …अब वो ‘तीन जादुई शब्द’ बोलो..
Husband: I love u ?
Wife : नहीं, ? ये नहीं ।
Husband : I like u ?
Wife : फिर गलत ?? ये वे ‘तीन शब्द’ नही है।
Husband : I miss u ?
Wife : अब और गुस्सा मत दिलाओ मुझे…सही शब्द बोलो ???
Husband – “मेरी गलती थी” ???
??????
Wife :YES
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#264
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#265
Not a husband and wife but still a dad joke…
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#266
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion
???
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#267
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Her: Awww... Yes!!!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me ?
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#268
guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”
Lol
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#269
Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#270
Lady 1: "Why is your husband so punctual when returning home from work?"
Lady 2: "I made a simple rule: sex will begin at 9pm sharp, whether he is there or not."
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#271
If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#272
A man comes home, finds his wife in bed with another man, and asks, “What is this?!?” The wife turns to her lover and says, “See, I told you he was stupid!”
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#273
A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?" The man replied, "Yes, I do." ??
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#274
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#275
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#276
Q: Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card?
A: The thief was spending less then his wife.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#277
I've been in love with the same woman for 20 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#278
Q: My boyfriend is as beautiful as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein; what is his name?
A: Frankenstein.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#279
Man- What would you do if I won the lottery?
Woman- Take half and leave!
Man- Well, I won 20 bucks, here's 10, now get out!
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#280
Boyfriend: "ILY."
Girlfriend: "Can you please say the words? It makes it better."
Boyfriend: "I'm leaving yoU
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#281
A man admitted he lied on his income tax return: he listed himself as the head of the household!
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#282
Girlfriend: Darling, will you give me a ring on our wedding day?
Boyfriend: Sure, what is your number?
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#283
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#284
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#285
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#286
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#287
I never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married but then it was too late.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#288
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[PM 1950]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#289
What is the difference between your wife and your lover? 30 minutes.
[PM 989]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#290
very good one, thanks
[PM 202]
Rank : V.I.P
Status : VIP
#291
Anniversaries come and go but memories stay forever
[PM 4035]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#292
Hahahahhaha
[PM 3856]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#293
There are some nice jokes in here. Thank you guys!
[PM 1332]
Rank : Junkie
Status : Member
#294
)
पत्नी: “अभी सांस लेने की फुर्सत नहीं है कि तुम मेरी बाहों में हो”, इस गाने का अर्थ क्या है?
पति: इस गाने का अर्थ है कि तुम्हारा वजन बहुत भारी है, और साँसें फूल जाती हैं…??
[PM 4128]
Rank : Average Member
Status : Member
#295
A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you." The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?" She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!"
[PM 2464]
Rank : Junkie
Status : Member
#296
Can a translator be included in these threads, can't read any thing other than English and feel like I'm missing out.
[PM 3940]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#297
hahaha, these are dangerous if you know what i mean!
[PM 2464]
Rank : Junkie
Status : Member
#298
Read most of them and would most definitely get in trouble if they happened to me
[PM 1256]
Rank : Junkie
Status : Member
#299
Try any of these at your own risk
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#300
Some really hilarious ones!
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#301
Sharing some of my own
My husband and I were daydreaming about what we would do if we won the lottery. I started: “I’d hire a cook so that I could just say, ‘Hey, make me a sandwich!’” Thomas shook his head. “Not me. I already have one of those.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#302
As my wife and I prepared for our garage sale, I came across a painting. Looking at the back, I discovered that I had written “To my beautiful wife on our fifth anniversary. I love you … Keith.” Feeling nostalgic about a gift I’d given her 25 years earlier, I showed it to her, thinking we should rehang the picture. After gazing at my message for a few seconds, she replied, “You know, I think a black marker would cover over all that so that we could sell it.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#303
I was perusing the shelves at a bookstore when a customer asked an employee where the birding section was. After pointing it out, the employee asked, “Is there anything specific you’re looking for?” “Yes,” said the customer. “My husband.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#304
On my wedding day, my mom told my bride, “No refunds, no exchanges on sale items.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#305
My friend Garrick had the solution to forgetting his wife’s birthday and their wedding anniversary: He opened an account with a local florist and provided it with both dates as well as instructions to send flowers and a card signed “Your loving husband, Garrick.” For a few years, it worked. Then one day, Garrick came home on their wedding anniversary. He saw the flowers on the dining room table and said, “What nice flowers. Where did you get them?”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#306
A local lumberyard was having an open house, and my mother really wanted to go. Dad, though, had no interest. After badgering him with no luck, she finally said, “If you don’t go, I’ll be the only woman there.” Dad shrugged. “If I go, you’ll still be the only woman there.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#307
Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today? Wife: He takes everything literally. I can’t stand it. Husband: My truck.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#308
Spotted in the legal notices section of the Maryland-based Daily Times: Michael Ray Dipirro petitioned the circuit court to change his name to Michael Ray Forbes. His reason for doing so? “Ex-wife wants to keep my surname. She can have that too!”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#309
I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#310
My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#311
A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you." The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?" She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!"
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#312
I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. In the morning, my husband, who is bald, told me I patted his head for 30 minutes while repeating, “Go to sleep, baby.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#313
My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#314
When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. In response, my husband will smile sweetly, nod my way, and explain, “We both love me.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#315
Q: Why did the dead man divorce his dead wife? A: Because she was frigid.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#316
The graveside service had just ended when there was a frightening clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even louder thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and said calmly, “Well, she’s there.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#317
My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. "What?!" he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. "Turn over—you're snoring," I said. He did as instructed and while doing so muttered, "That's nothing; you should hear my wife snore."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#318
A woman and her husband stop at a dentist’s office. “I need a tooth pulled right away,” she says. “Don’t bother with the Novocain; we’re in a hurry.” “Which tooth do you want pulled?” asks the dentist. The woman shoves her husband toward the dentist. “Go ahead, dear. Show him your tooth.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#319
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: "Our food has arrived! Let's eat!" His wife reminded him: "Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!" Her husband replied: "That's at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook..."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#320
Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer: Woman: "I need to buy some arsenic." Pharmacist:" Why do you need arsenic?" Woman: "I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband." Pharmacist: "WHAT?" Woman: "You heard me! I want to kill my husband!" Pharmacist: "Why on earth would you want to do that?" Woman: "Because he's having an affair with YOUR wife!!!" Pharmacist: "Well why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#321
Q: What did the cannibal's wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner? A: She gave him the cold shoulder.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#322
A police officer in a small town stopped a driver speeding down the main street. The driver said he could explain why he was speeding, but the police officer said he was going to put him in jail until the Chief got back, but lucky for the driver that the chief will be in a good mood because he is at his daughter's wedding. The driver said, "Don't count on it. I'm the groom."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#323
As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties, and the marital counselor said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#324
One night, a dieting woman made a cake for the church potluck. Temptation got the best of her, and she ate it—all of it. Embarrassed, she then made a second cake. Her husband never suspected a thing—especially since she ate a piece out of the second cake too.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#325
Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#326
Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?" Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#327
My sister Tina was telling her husband, Kay, about a wonderful program she had watched on TV. The show gave a national award to heroic people who put themselves in grave danger to help out someone they hardly knew. Kay replied, “That sounds a lot like getting married.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#328
Q: If love is "grand," what is divorce? A: A hundred grand, or more.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#329
Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage? A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#330
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#331
Son: What's the difference between love and marriage? Father: Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#332
If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#333
Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” Friend: “Why not?” Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#334
Wife: Do you want dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and no.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#335
Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her. Father: Son, that's true everywhere.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#336
This man was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular website. The ad said, simply: "Wife wanted." He was surprised the next morning to find he had over a hundred replies in his inbox. Unfortunately, they all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#337
Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Sadly, bigamy is against the law.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#338
If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife is.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#339
A retired rancher decided to go back to school. He made an appointment with the dean of admissions at a university.
The dean asked him, “Are you pursuing a bachelor’s degree?” The rancher replied, “I want to, but I can’t. I’m still married.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#340
The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?” My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …” The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#341
The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.” My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#342
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor... A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#343
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#344
I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
--------- Post edited by - lolutan9999
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#345
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?” The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#346
After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.” Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#347
My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! You’re constipated!”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#348
After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#349
A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years. “Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked. “Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#350
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.” “Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband. “It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”
--------- Post edited by - lolutan9999
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#351
Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She answered, “I do.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#352
Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#353
On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.” She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.” Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#354
My husband is infantry, and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him: • The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day. • I could have as many babies as I want because giving birth is free. • He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone.
--------- Post edited by - lolutan9999
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#355
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#356
After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#357
When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.” My father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.” “And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.” “Two thousand.” “We’ll need a photographer. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?” “Five thousand!” We eloped to Spain.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#358
My young son declared, “When I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.” “You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister. “Then I’ll marry you.” “You can’t marry me either.” He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.” “You mean I have to marry a total stranger?!” he cried.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#359
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!” The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#360
My client buys many rental properties, not always with the enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. “The real estate agent and I are having an affair,” he answered. “Oh, thank God,” she said. “I thought she was selling you another house.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#361
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman. “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?” “A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#362
As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#363
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#364
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#365
A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.” “Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal. He replies, “Two weeks.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#366
When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#367
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#368
On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?” “Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#369
As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit. I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher. “What are you doing?” she asked. “I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him.” Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#370
Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?” “Not really,” I replied. “Did you marry him for his money?” “Definitely not,” I laughed. “He didn’t have any.” “So,” he said, “you just felt sorry for him.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#371
My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status "I'm getting a divorce," he was the first one to click Like.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#372
Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? A: He's trying to figure out the combination.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#373
During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, "You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don't think I could ever marry again." Her friend nodded sympathetically. "I know what you mean," she said. "Once is enough."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#374
Overheard at my garden-club meeting: "I never knew what compost was until I met my husband."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#375
I identify with football players because I know what it's like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#376
Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls. "Your wife must like rolls," he said. "How do you know these are for my wife?" I asked. "Because your mother wouldn't send you out in weather like this."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#377
A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?” “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.” The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#378
For a romantic touch, I washed our sheets with lavender-scented detergent. When my husband got into bed, he sniffed. "What's this?" he asked.
"Guess," I said coyly.
"I have no idea," he said. "It smells like the stuff you use to line the hamster's cage."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#379
Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.
As I'd hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.
When he saw me, he shouted, "Are those potato chips?"
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#380
After we had lunch with another couple, the women went shopping, and the men opted to go sailing. Bad decision—a storm blew in while we men were out on the water.
Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had to climb overboard and shove it back into deep water.
As my friend stood there—ankles deep in muck, muscles straining against the weight of the boat, and rain pelting his face—he grinned broadly and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping!"
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#381
It may have been the most romantic statement ever uttered in our courthouse. In between hearings, a wedding was performed. As the newlyweds left the courtroom, the bride nestled up to the groom and cooed, "Isn't it nice to be here when we're not being convicted of something?"
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#382
After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
"You’re running around with another woman— admit it!" she demanded.
"What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You’re it!"
That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.
"What are you doing?"
"Counting your ribs."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#383
A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit.
"It’s not going to work for me," he said, panicked.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because I use my Guard pay for spending money."
"So?"
"For the past ten years, I’ve been telling my wife that I serve for free!"
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#384
On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough.
"Kids," he said over the din, "if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me."
Our six-year-old shot back: "Too late, I already got you another present."
--------- Post edited by - lolutan9999
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#385
I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.
"Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t."
[PM 2713]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#386
As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, "After this, you can't have sex for at least three days."
"Did you hear that?" she asked her husband. "No sex for three days."
"I heard," he said. "But she was speaking to you."
[PM 3836]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#387
Wife: (Looking at herself in the mirror) I look fat. I need you to compliment me.
Husband: Your eyesight is impeccable.
[PM 4415]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#388
Good one
[PM 3836]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#389
Wife: I love you.
Husband: Is that you talking or the wine?
Wife: It’s me talking to the wine
[PM 3836]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#390
My wife prefers to take the stairs, but I prefer the elevator.
I guess we were just raised differently.
[PM 3836]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#391
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once
[PM 3836]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#392
Marriage is a three ring circus.
An engagement ring, a wedding ring and suffering
[PM 3836]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#393
You know you are getting old when your wife says “Lets run upstairs and make love” and you say “I cant do both”
[PM 4128]
Rank : Average Member
Status : Member
#394
पति- इस महीने में तुम्हें और पैसे नहीं दूंगा. पत्नी- आप बस मुझे 500 रुपए उधार दे दीजिए..आप की तनख्वा मिलने पर मैं आपको पैसे वापस कर दूंगी.
[PM 4128]
Rank : Average Member
Status : Member
#395
. I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.
She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.
[PM 4128]
Rank : Average Member
Status : Member
#396
When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. In response, my husband will...
[PM 3940]
Rank : Junior Member
Status : Member
#397
haha so funny but truth
[PM 4128]
Rank : Average Member
Status : Member
#398
पति - मेरा अंदाजा यह कह रहा है कि इस डिब्बे में कोई खाने की चीज है...!
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.
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पत्नी - अरे वाह मेरे पति परमेश्वर, आपने बिल्कुल सही अंदाजा लगाया, इसमें मेरी नई सैंडल है...!
[PM 4128]
Rank : Average Member
Status : Member
#399
पति - मेरा अंदाजा यह कह रहा है कि इस डिब्बे में कोई खाने की चीज है...!
.
.
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पत्नी - अरे वाह मेरे पति परमेश्वर, आपने बिल्कुल सही अंदाजा लगाया, इसमें मेरी नई सैंडल है...!
[PM 4128]
Rank : Average Member
Status : Member
#400
I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
[PM 4128]
Rank : Average Member
Status : Member
#401
रविवार को तो छुट्टी होती है
मेहमान : बेटा तुम्हारा जन्म किस दिन हुआ था .
बेटा : फ्राइडे को और आपका
मेहमान : सन्डे को
बेटा : आप झूठ बोल रहे हो सन्डे को तो छुट्टी होती है …
[PM 4128]
Rank : Average Member
Status : Member
#402
रविवार को तो छुट्टी होती है
मेहमान : बेटा तुम्हारा जन्म किस दिन हुआ था .
बेटा : फ्राइडे को और आपका
मेहमान : सन्डे को
बेटा : आप झूठ बोल रहे हो सन्डे को तो छुट्टी होती है …
[PM 1756]
Rank : Junkie
Status : Member
#403
Nice thread
[PM 4128]
Rank : Average Member
Status : Member
#404
Husband: I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.
Friend: Wow, that’s really impressive! What did she say?!
Husband: “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!”
[PM 1262]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#405
पत्नी: बाजार से दूध का एक पैकेट ले आना!
और हां, अगर बाजार में अंडे दिखें तो 6 ले आना।
पति: 6 पैकट दूध ले आया!
पत्नी: 6 पैकेट दूध?
पति: हां 6 पैकेट ही लाया हूं क्योंकि बाजार मे अंडे दिख गए थे!
[PM 3758]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#406
पत्नी- मैं तो तंग आ गई हूं इस आदमी से, कोई काम ठीक से नहीं कर सकता...
पति- अरे, अब क्या कर दिया मैंने?
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पत्नी- ये कल तुमने कैसा गैस सिलिंडर लगाया है, दो बार दूध गर्म किया और दोनों बार ही फट गया।
[PM 1932]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#407
पत्नी- उठो सुबह हो गई,
पति-आंखें नहीं खुल रही हैं, ऐसा
कुछ बोलो कि नींद गायब हो जाए।
पन्नी- रात में जिस जानू से चैट कर
रहे थे, वो मेरी दूसरी ID है,
अब बेचारे पति को 3 दिन से नींद
नहीं आ रही है।
[PM 1932]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#408
शक्की पत्नी का शक दूर करने के लिए,
पति ने दाढ़ी रख ली, पूजा, पाठ करने
लगा और गीता, रामायण भी पढ़ने
लगा..!!
गरीबों की मदद करने लगा
सारे ग़लत काम छोड़ दिये और प्रभु की
भक्ति में लग गया..!!
अब पत्नी फ़ोन पर , अपने पति के बारे
में सहेली को बता रही थी:- ” कमीना
अब स्वर्ग की अप्सराओं के चक्कर में
लगा हुआ है..!! “
[PM 1932]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#409
पति – आज खाना क्यों नहीं बनाया?
पत्नी – गिर गई थी लग गई….
पति – कहाँ गिर गई थी और क्या लग गई थी ?
पत्नी : तकिये पर गिर गई थी
और आँख लग गई थी।
[PM 5480]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#410
Wife: If you keep losing your hair at this speed, I shall divorce you.
Husband: Oh my God! And I was stupid enough trying to save them!
[PM 5687]
Rank : V.I.P
Status : VIP
#411
I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. In the morning, my husband, who is bald, told me I patted his head for 30 minutes while repeating, “Go to.
[PM 5792]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#412
Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?" Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."
[PM 6345]
Rank : Beginner
Status : Member
#413
Q: If love is “grand,” what is divorce? A: A hundred grand, or more.
[PM 8525]
Rank : Newbie
Status : Member
#414
hahahaha these jokes are amazing